Glimpses of the Island

Two Problems

While Cathy was attending her class, John had invited Mark out for an extended lunch. "You have two problems you will have to face," John began, as they sat at their table. "The first is what I call the Abyss. It will come to you one day, when you are least prepared to handle it. You might wake up early one morning to see her sleeping peacefully next to you in the light of early dawn. Then it hits you. This woman whom you love more than life itself is completely dependent on you for everything. Her tranquility comes from a devoted trust in your ability to run her life. The least sign of annoyance from you is devastating to her. She will be sensitive to your mood, to the point it will seem she can read your mind. It is an awesome responsibility, holding someone's life in your hands. Can you handle it?

"That's the moment you must look into the dark abyss of your own soul. No lies and no deceit, you have to answer yourself truthfully. If it isn't within you to take on the management of her life then you know to look for another path. But if you can say to yourself, yes, I can do this, I want to do this, then the next time she looks up at you, waiting to hear your words, you can look her in the eye and command her. She will see the confidence in your look, hear the ring of assurance in your voice, and it will be all she needs to know. If you believe in yourself, she will never question your orders, even if events prove you wrong later." John paused to take a bite from his sandwich.

Mark thought about John's words. While on the ship heading to the Island after his Congo field trip he had sat on the aft deck for several hours looking out at the Indian Ocean, trying to resolve just that issue. Did he have what it took to own Cathy, in the most literal sense? To master her to the degree she wanted and expected from him? And what about his own motives? The image of her standing in front of him, collar around her neck, had been spinning around inside his head since that day John had told him about the Island. Did his own desire cloud his objectivity?

"The second problem is complacency." John put his sandwich down and continued. "In the beginning you keep in mind what she expects so you exercise your authority on a constant basis. She loves it. But over time you fall into a routine. You start to slip, which is understandable since she now knows you pretty well and can anticipate what you want. You are not as demanding and assertive as before. You might not notice it, but she will, and it will affect her. She will be moody, maybe even think you are starting to take her for granted. She feels she isn't doing enough for you; maybe she isn't contributing her full share to the relationship. If you don't catch it in time, it grows into a conviction that you don't want her anymore. Unchecked, it becomes a home wrecker where she is positive you have rejected her and will be looking for someone else.

"It isn't easy but you have to make sure you don't let up. Set rules for her and be firm about enforcing them. If she forgets you better catch it immediately. A few words to correct her also show that you care. You should be insistent but not strident. A gesture or a look may be all it takes to remind her. Make some allowances at first, since she may be breaking old habits or learning new ones, but only if it's an honest mistake.

"Don't be afraid to make selfish demands. She will do anything for you and the more self-centered it is the happier she will be. Maybe you are sitting around watching TV some evening and you get that urge to throw her on the floor and take her right then. Do it. She won't say no. Remember you own her; she can't refuse. But months, even years later she will recall that moment of passion and get a warm feeling of satisfaction from knowing she can attract and please you."

Mark nodded in agreement. Everything he knew seemed to be turned upside down. He had been raised in an environment that taught him a concept of sharing, that a relationship must be based on consensus, all decisions made together but each maintaining some independence. That would not work here.

"I have to tell you, John, at first I had a hard time accepting all this. I had all the usual lessons drummed into me while I grew up. Be sensitive, don't demand, share all the obligations equally, make all the decisions together. I'm sure that works for many couples, but neither Cathy nor I were really comfortable with it. I was frustrated and she was always worried and stressed. In some ways we were starting to compete with each other." Mark stopped to take a drink before he continued.

"Finally we sat down and really talked about it. I'm sure you know how surprised I was to find she wanted me to, well, I guess the words 'take over' are the most appropriate. We had just started down that road, trying to figure out what worked for us, when I met you back in California. After talking to you about it I had to do some serious thinking, perhaps not to the point of facing what you call the Abyss, but I did have to satisfy myself that it was right for Cathy as well as me. We talk about it every night, sometimes for hours. She's done a good job of convincing me this is what she wants, and she isn't doing it just for me. I'm still not sure she comprehends what it will mean to be owned, but from what I've read the class she is attending will try to show the reality and not glamorize it."

Finished with his lunch John leaned back in his chair, drink in hand. "She will learn quite a bit from the classes. The women who run the program don't gloss over the difficulties. Give Cathy some time to digest what she learns, and talk to her about it. There aren't any secrets. Anna and I went over what she had been taught and how it fit with what she expected. By the time she finished she had no illusions as to what would happen. Just like you, it was important to me that she understood how her life would change. And how you would change too. The key item though, the way you and I think, how we see the world, it's not the same for them."

"What about discipline? How do you correct, or punish? I have to admit I'm uncomfortable with the idea of hurting her in any way. I'm no sadist. I was taught never to strike a woman, so I don't think I could beat her." Mark was uncomfortable bringing up the subject, but it had been bothering him. He finished off his sandwich while John answered.

"You have to maintain control, and there are times that means some sort of discipline. She looks for a firm hand to guide her, and that means there will be occasions when you must correct her mistakes. Now how you choose to do that is up to you. No one can tell you what is appropriate, because only you know her well enough to judge what will be effective but not excessive.

"I sympathize with you not being a sadist; I find it distasteful too. I can share a few techniques I use with Anna, but again, don't assume its right for you. First off, Anna and I have been together long enough that some kind of discipline is rarely needed. None of us are perfect though, so I still have to watch for the infractions and decide if there are extenuating circumstances. If not, then I do have to act, and she understands that.

"If she does get out of line, it usually is in some minor way. For the most part I point out the problem and remind her of what I expect. She tries very hard to keep to my rules and to her role, so I tend to give her the benefit of the doubt if she makes an inadvertent slip. If it's minor I make sure she see that I noticed, that's always paramount, but a simple nod tells her I know it wasn't her fault. There are some situations I can't overlook though, especially if it involves attitude."

Mark interrupted to ask a question. "How can you tell? I don't want to jump on her for an honest mistake. I'd rather be the benevolent dictator than the tyrant."

John thought for a moment before answering. "Keep acknowledgment separate from consequences. If it's unavoidable, leave it at that and let her know you understand the circumstances. She will know that you are paying attention, that you support her acting on her own initiative when the unexpected occurs, and most important, she can trust you to be reasonable when she has to break a rule.

"But if you think she's defying you, make sure she understands you won't tolerate it. Put a stop to it immediately. If you get caught unprepared, trust to that old standby for some form of punishment, boredom. Inactivity can turn minutes into hours. Make sure she can't see a clock, then make her do nothing, in some clever way. It's even worse if you're watching, because it makes her self-conscious about failing you.

"Other ways, hmmm…." John paused for a moment looking up at the ceiling. "There's deprivation, taking away something important to her. Remember being grounded as a teenager? All you have to do is take her travel card and she's stuck in the house. Or humiliation, make her do something she dreads. Take her shopping, find the ugliest, most unattractive dress you can, yellow with big purple polka dots, make sure she can't stand it. That's your big club. She'd do anything not to have to wear it when she has to go to the grocery store."

Mark burst out laughing. "I can imagine! Cathy would go crazy. Yellow and purple? I'll have to watch for something like that. Sure that's not cruel and unusual?"

John smiled. "All the better if it is unusual. Cruel, well, you be the judge. Punishment aside, make it clear beforehand that you are a pragmatic master. I know some couples who are so dogmatic about rules and obedience that it intrudes on everyone else, especially in public. It can border on being rude and only annoys others, so don't go to ridiculous extremes."

Mark wrapped both hands around his glass, considering John's advice. "I think I'm pretty well grounded in reality. I'm not out to antagonize anyone else, even if some of the norms here on the Island give me leeway in what I can do. I've given a lot of thought to what I want from her and the best way to go about it. I appreciate your help too, John. I intend to borrow from you and Anna, but in a manner that will better fit Cathy and me."

Mark reached for his wallet. "Lunch is on me. And anytime you see the need to offer some friendly advice, please don't hesitate. I may not always agree with you but I'm old enough to understand that experience does count."