My CBT Revelations 1
These are true events as best as I can recall them. They are not as hot as
some of the pure fantasy material that get posted. But, as opposed to fantasy
material, these events really happened and perhaps there is a place to for that
too. This is about how an old girlfriend either got me to reveal myself and my
fetish for CBT, or maneuvered me in to giving her what she wanted. I really
never knew and still don't.
And I doubt I will ever be able to related the gentle and caring way she use
to torment me. She was a small woman and very lovable and gentle in her
approach to life and people and youthful in her enthusiasm for fun. She never
was a leather clad domme like I had fantasized about so often. Rather, always
a gentle caring lover with a soft voice who liked romantic movies and flowers
on hr birthday and also use to do terrible things to me and abuse and humiliate
me in ways I would never have believed possible. But, some of that for later,
now, the prologue of sorts.
It was probably after about 3 months or so of going out that Julie started
to realize I had a weakness for a pretty girl abusing me. I don't know that we
ever had a long detailed conversation, but, I would sometimes encourage her to
squeeze my balls when she was pleasing me orally, or if she got a little rough
with my cock it would excite me and she could see me swell and my moans and
ragged breathing was tell-tell sign enough for her to figure something was up.
Things proceeded slowly and incrementally for the next 3-4 months, but, Julie
was becoming more bold with her rough handling and talking more when we were
having sex about things she was going to do to my balls. It use to get me so
fucking hot when she would whisper so soft and low in my ear as we made love
how she was going to tie me down and slap my balls, or put clothes pins all over
my cock and pull on them slowly one by one. Things like that.
I use to think that Julie thought what got me hot was the juxtaposition of such
a sweet innocent gentle and petite woman saying things like that that. And that
is why she thought I enjoyed it, but, we would never proceed beyond that little
verbal fantasy play. I secretly lusted for this little angel to abuse me like
that. Her words would spin in me and I would have so many fantasy imaginings,
visual images and it pulled things from so deep inside me I would often feel
like I was being transported and falling...falling deeper and deeper in to this
space I can't describe. I wonder now sometimes if I was being conditioned or
probed and Julie had some plans after she saw how it affected me, or, if she
and I just stumbled forward thru this method of discovery.
I certainly wasn't going to tell her this need I had always had, this thing
about me I had never ever mentioned in any way to any lover of mine, that I had
long ago locked away.
One day when we were engaged in some rather vanilla lovemaking, Julie was on
top, riding me, and, as I started to approach a climax, she sat up, still
fully on my cock, and reached back and gave my balls a slap. Simple as that
and yet, with all the implications in the world for me, It wasn't to hard but
it made me buck up with the pain and she felt me drive all the way in to her.
I had a moment of shock but it only lasted a moment and then I started pumping
my hips in to her, hard and fast, unable to control my lust.
This was one simple light slap and done with no overtones of anything and I
couldn't control my lust at the possibilities it spoke to me.
She was looking at me, straight in to my eyes, rocking her hips over me, and
feeling the urgency of my thrusts when the look turned in to "The Look."
Haven't we all had a moment like that. When someone looks right through us and
something deep and hidden and something we think makes us vulnerable is known.
I think right then, at that moment, that is when Julie actually knew. Right
then she had discovered something about me that perhaps she had wondered about
before but, wasn't sure of. She knew now, that the little rough games we had
played before, the verbal teasing about hurting my balls and punishing my cock,
that this held something for me, that in my eyes and in the response from this
simple slap, from that somethng of me was learned. She had found my
vulnerability, the need in my sexuality that was there to exploit. And, at that
moment, in her usual way, she let it float as light as a feather, wafting
throught the warm summer breeze.
But, shortly after that things did start moving faster. Julie had found
something in herself here too. This was a sweet, very gentle woman. The kind
of woman who wouldn't even let me smash a bug in the house, insisting that I
capture it and release it out the front door. The kind of woman who is cried
at things she saw on the news, cheerful in nature, bouncy and full of zest for
life and fun. I am not trying to say she was some type of stepford woman, she
had her moods and good days and bad days just like anyone. But, she had a
generally gentle and happy nature to her,cared about people and found enjoyment
in life. A sweet and gentle person in appearance and demeanor. But, I think
something came to life in her after that moment.
About a week later Julie told me she wanted to show me something she had made
for me. Made for me!
She had had an old coach purse she didn't like anymore and had taken the purse
strap off and make a small whip with it. The leather had been sliced in to
about 6-7 small very narrow strands at one end, maybe about 5-6 inches long.
She had taken the other end of the purse strap and woven it back down the
length of the strap to create a handle of sorts.
"Its a cock whip, do you like it. I made it for you, so I have something to
whip your cock with. Do you like it...?"
I can't explain what happened in my head that instance. How trapped I felt,
how utterly naked and caught in the headlights. God how I hated her casual
approach to this fetish I had tried to hide and that embarrassed me. I really
could hardly breath, I was embarrassed and excited and humiliated and starting
to have visions of my sweet angel whipping my cock and hurting my balls and
smiling her sweet smile as she caused me pain and I watching her get excited
abusing me feeding my excitement what she would wear and how her hair would look
good pulled back in some stern fashion and would she make me do other things and
what her face would look as she whipped my cock and balls and could I get away
with acting casual about all this right now or should I deny it, yes, deny it,
this is too close, or if I deny my desire did she know too much already and if
I did then all of this wouldn't happen,. ..and......I was just everything all at
the same time?
Julie found that rather amusing. I think she knew already the way that kind
of stuff would made me hot and I think she was had no such history of
repression and I think she also was enjoying my discomfort.
Julie leaned in to me and flicked the whip at the front of my pants. I think
most people have heard about events that happen where the person says that time
stands still. I remember everything about that moment. The way the whip tails
floated through the air, how her hips swelled just a little with her leaning
forward, the way her hair moved at the side of her face, her flexing her wrist
and bringing it forward, the way her smile turned in to a mock stern look and
her eyes had an impish gleam, looking right at where that whip was going to
land. Really, all this, what could it have taken, one, two seconds. No, it
took an eternity, it moved in slow motion and it burned in to my brain in such
a way that today I still recall how the air smelled at that very moment.
Julie watched me and looked from my pant front up to my face and said smiling,
that if I didn't like it she could just throw the thing away, she didn't really
use the purse anymore anyway and it wasn't any big deal. I really was dying.
She wasn't going to just use it on me, surprise me when we were already engaged
in some bondage games and I was restrained and bring it out as a surprise and
not make me say yes or no. That is really the way I had often fantasized I
would get to have some CBT. A helpless victim unable to resist and, then, not
made to reveal I wanted this.
I thought I knew she was maneuvering things, controlling the conversation in
such a way that I was now going to have to admit I wanted her to do that,
wanted my girlfriend to whip my cock, to ask her to whip my cock for me,
because I wanted that, because it turned me on and not because I was forced to
endure it when I could resist.
"So, do you want me to throw it away, or, do you like it?" God what a bitch,
I am not even thinking straight now, my head is really light, this..I had
fantasized about this for years, but, never ever had said a word to any girl I
had dated. And now a moment of truth had arrived. Julie flicked the whip
again across the front of my trousers and smiled looking up at me from her
chair. The end of a couple of strands catch the head of my cock and even
though it was thru my pants, it was like a small jolt of lightening and it made
me jump back.
I was starting to get hard and could feel it and Julie was looking at my pants
and she could see it too. I don't know what I expected at that point. Her to
turn in to a bitch goddess and order me to strip and present my cock for
punishment in a harsh voice. Her to laugh that laugh of hers and chuck the
thing away and it was just a little joke, no more consequential then the play
pats a lover gives another on the way through the door. Her to call me a freak
and a prev and laugh at my erection.
Not Julie, no, she had the caged bird right where she wanted him, or so I
think now, and, he was about to sing a tune she was playing. Or was that it,
or is that my inability to separate long held fantasy scenarios from events
between two lovers that don't have such a neat script.
"Here, just come closer to me, come back next to me." I slowed for a moment
but really, it was almost as if I was hypnotized. Julie had on some regular
summer shorts, and was sitting with her legs crossed and casually holding a
whip in her hands. It is burned in to me in a way I can't describe. I don't
think if she had been in PVC leggings and had on 6 inch heels it would have
held me like this vision of a beautiful woman dressed in casual summer shorts
and a sleeveless top sitting on a chair by the dinner table, holding a whip and
gently asking me to come closer.
I walked closer and stood there waiting. Julie reached her hand over and so
very gently touched the inside of my leg, up high, inches from the bottom of my
balls. I could feel my balls almost seeking that hand, the gentle touch
sending indescribable small waves of pleasure up my back and the warmth
radiating against my leg.
"Just open your legs a little for me."
God, that same sweet voice, that gentle touch, that, that easy way she was in
complete control of me. Some times in life you stand before forces that you do
not control, that you don't understand,beyond the immense power that has seized
you and that are drawn from a spring so elemental and so at the core, you
simply exist in that moment.
I really couldn't believe it to be honest. Perhaps I had always understood
this fetish of mine as a strictly private matter, had gotten use to that and
accepted it as separate from what lovers actually did with each other. Two
separate boxes and they were to be kept apart. I really had long ago given up
the hope that this desire of mine, this need to submit this way, would be
integrated in a real way in to my sex life. Perhaps I had created a separate
place for this deep of a sexual need and longing that I had, and felt it better
to not release the power it held over me.
I know at that moment, when I was opening my legs, I felt, I felt naked in a
way more profound then I think I ever had as an adult.
This was my girlfriend, the woman I dreamed of making passionate love to,
desired to be her protector and to use my maleness to shelter her from any
harm. I was steeped in the culture of my maleness. I don't mean we had a
realtionship based on hard and fast traditional roles. I mean, I had all the
normal male desires to be protector and be strong and be vital in this womans
life.
And, for the most part, we had a regular relationship, we went to movies, we
washed the car, we did laundry. I enjoyed our sex life, and I don't want to act
like I was unhappy. But, see, I had someplace else for this, in my mind, a
professional Domme maybe, who perhaps understood these things better then most
women, or when I was younger, whack off magazines, stories, my imagination. Not
with a regular girlfriend. How would that be the next day, what would she
think of her big strong man after she knew this about him?
I know in fantasy material, it seems like this would be a dream come true.
But, in real life often our deepest and most revealing sexuality we do not
allow to come out in to full sunlight like this. We can't or will not or are
unable to, at least alone without the right situation with the right person at
the right time.
And here I was, like a moth to the flame, unable to stop what was embarrassing
me in a very deep way, standing close and with my legs opened, opened in
response to her gentle touch, opening so my girlfriend, sitting at the table we
eat dinner at, the table where we pay the bills every month, standing there,
unable to stop, my legs open and waiting for her to use her "cock whip" on me.
My eyes fixed on her delicate hand and that "cockwhip I made for you." I
stood waiting, feeling helpless and unable to move away even as I felt silly
standing in front of my girlfriend waiting to have her flick a whip across me.
Julie leaned a little forward and placed one of her hands just under where my
balls were positioned in my pants, letting then more or less rest on her one
palm with just a loose grip. Holding me in position by guidance and by her
soft touch.
She flicked the whip strands back and with a slight movement of her hips, her
weight went forward and the whip strands spread and fanned across the front of
my pants, giving a mild sting, but very light to my cock shaft.
I bucked a bit, but, Julie quickly landed another and then a third and forth
stroke all very quickly. Her hand had tightened a little as I did a bit of a
dance, but, didn't move my feet and stayed.
My cock started growing and my breathing was coming in rapid gulps. Julie's
demeanor started to change too, she let go with a couple of whips using all the
snap and quick wrist flick she could from that position and started asking me,
in her low soft voice, gentle, no harshness to it, all most empathetic, "You
like this don't you, huh, you like me whipping your cock. Is that what you want
Julie to do, Tell me, just go ahead, it okay, tell me what you want me to do,
you want Julie to whip your cock for you, do you, you need your balls punished,
need Julie to hurt your balls... whip your balls...." Gentle as an angel all
the while flicking her cock whip across the front of my pants and her other
warm hand cradling my balls.
I was had. I couldn't move and I couldn't stop my head from spinning. I was
sexually aroused beyond believe, and, I was stripping back layer upon layer of
built up repressed desire. It made me weak.
I mumbled really, in gasps, gasps not from the pain, but, from an inability to
draw myself back from what ever this space was she had taken me too. I had
sank and sank and like those dreams where you try to run but your legs only
move in slow motion, I fought to speak....."ahh...oh...god yes, Julie,
...oh...like that..." in a whisper really, and, jagged.
"Do you want me to keep this whip..for you..I think its nice..." All the while
massaging my balls thru my pants and flicking that damn little leather "cock
whip" across the front of my pants...
"yes, please...keep it,...I want you to keep that..that.. cock whip." I was
really close to cumming and then something interesting happened. We had never
ever discussed orgasm denial and I doubt Julie even knew it was a fetish of
some guys or had heard about it in any formal way. But, she had an instinct
and a will for this gentle kind of control, and, she stopped, she just stopped.
I was lost in a void. I had had my most secrete fetished outed, and, outed
because my need for it was stronger then any humilaition I felt at it being
known by her.
And at my most vulnerable point, at the height of my arousal, at the moment
that my sexual need had over come all my inhibitions and prior judgments about
revealing myself in such a way, the spilling forth of the water behind the damn
that was my repressed desire, at the time I stood naked and afraid and excited
and needy...when she had touched my core.....she just stopped.
I have never figured this woman out. I don't know if she knew what she was
doing, that she had me, I was hooked and she was my pusher and she gave me what
I needed but not a drop more. Or, was it as simple as her casual way. I was
spinning again. I could trip off so easily when in that state, off to fantasy
land with either reason for her stopping really. The heartless tease leaving
me needing more, the casual plaything of hers that had held her interest for a
moment only. Or, was I just superimposing my fantasies on this blank slate.
Did she know what she was doing? Did I even care. I couldn't believe she
stopped.
I would have given her anything right then, I would have offered her up my
naked balls for any abuse she wanted. I would have got down and licked her
feet and begged like a little puppy dog for her to play with me some more. I
felt shamed and released and in debt and humbled and excited by her. She had
taken me to the edge and I was ready to go over with her...I was a jumble of
emotions and physical need and psychological trauma and want and desire
and,,,she stopped.
"Oh. that's all...did you like that..you did didn't you..I think I will keep
this ..it made you really hard ...."
End of Part One
