My CBT Revelations 2
It seemed that I had been found out. The need or desire that I had always
tried to keep secret was pretty plain to Julie after that mild cock whipping
incident she had given to me.
Or was it. She had in her usual gentle way made me or allowed me to admit
that I wanted her to whip and punish my cock and balls, that that turned me on
alot. Did she understand deeper implication of my desires for submission. I
didn't know and I wasn't going to be a big grown up boy and discuss it with her
either.
Probably most men would have thanked their lucky stars, but, it troubled me
and I wasn't sure what all the implications now were.
We, or more accurately, I, went through a period where I really didn't know
exactly how to act toward her. I mean, hadn't everything changed, hadn't we
now stepped through the portal and didn't this mean she was now my Domme or
that I needed to orientate myself differently toward her, that she had the
power and knew the secrete path to my soul and with this could ensalve me, and
if she pushed a little I would tumble over like a house of cards. I was so
ready to submit, but, I didn't really uinderstand what that meant beyond sexual
fantasies I had.
I wondered about all that, asked myself if I should adopt some type of outward
display of submissiveness. Or if perhaps Julie liked it better if we acted a
"normal" couple and saved the cock whipping and ball torments for our private
time.
I really went through a fumbling around period with this. This woman had
touched me through my sexuality like no one before. I felt like a school boy
often, all want and desire and not really having a clue as to how to proceed or
how to get or offer what I wanted.
My sexual fantasies where unleashed, and, having gotten a taste of what it
would be like to actualize the things I had thought about for so long,
repressed for so long, I do believe I started to lose track internally of where
fantasy started and ended and where my real relationship with this woman was.
But, Julie pretty much seemed unchanged on a day to day basis. Her usual grace
and easy going manner was still there the next day and the next day and we did
quite regular things together. I wondered about that at the time, wondered if
I was making to much of this, didn't it affect her like it did me, didn't she
want to move further in to this exciting realm we had opened up. Maybe she was
doing this on purpose, to toy with me, or maybe she didn't understand the power
of that first outing.
But, really, looking back on it, Julie was had a wonderful calming effect on
me and over time some of the overwhelming release I had felt at my initial
outing and my first taste of CBT started to settle.
I started to see her again as my girlfriend and as a person and as a woman not
as just am element of my fantasy world. I really think had we jumped as fast
as I wanted, and, had Julie not displayed her normal good balance and mild
persona, I could have easily lost sight of the fact that she was a woman and a
person and needed and wanted a real relationship with me and I would have
quickly as possible turned her in to my very own walking wet dream. Chalk that
up to my lack of maturity and the fact that I was quite overwhelmed with
confusing and powerful forces I did not know how to handle.
But, I did see, after a while, that Julie wasn't going to turn in to leather
wearing whip cracking fetish queen for me on a daily basis, and that she would
still get sad at the news and still want to cuddle sometimes and still like
romantic movies and long slow kissing and everything that had been part of her,
and us, before.
I could explain a lot about the progression that lead up to the next few times
I enjoyed (or suffered) CBT at Julie's hands. But, let's just say that over
time we played with different things and a few of them even to this day make me
long for a woman who understand my needs and the dramatic tension I craved when
it came to CBT and submission, as well as this woman did so many years ago.
She was quite creative in thinking up ways to torment and humiliate me. I
haven't talked much about some of the humiliations, but, that came later and I
craved every bit of it as well. And, I think the things that seemed most unique
about Julie then was the way all her games seemed to contain a certain element
of granting my wishes, and allowing me to confront my own darker and dual
desires. Not to let my fetishes ultimately humiliate me, and, yet, the need I
had to reveal myself in this way to her if I really wanted to actually taste it.
There was alway escape, and I was never "forced" or "ordered" or even suggested
to do anything.
Her style of control over me was her knowledge of my need, her understanding
of something at my core that craved her affectionate style of tormenting and
humbling me and the way she did this by making me reveal it to her. I even had a
need to struggle with my desires if the play was to be ultimately satisfying.
And, in each and every game that we played, it was clear somehow or somewhere
in the nature of the play that I wanted and needed this from her. Julie's
trick (?) was to be kind and gentle and caring, and, control and humble me at
my request. I really think that at any time if I had quietly withdrawn these
things back in to myself, Julie wouldn't have pushed me and we would go back to
our more conventional sex life.
Or perhaps she knew me better and understood that my cravings had been given a
small taste of freedom and that the hunger would grow. I never have figured
out what she understood and what she didn't. Still, with a sweet smile and a
warm hand, she slowly started gaining control of me, and, as frightening as this
was for me at times, I couldn't resist a growing desire inside myself to give
more of that control to her.
The dramatic tension was often psychological, the revealing of my embarrassing
fetishes in a quite plain and open way, which always and to this day humiliates
me. And, physical too, in that I enjoyed the way she would design things so
that I, I had to ask to endured certain sufferings and got certain pleasures,
but, didn't get the pleasure without the suffering.
When I could withstand the suffering, the pleasure was so sweet as to be
indescribable. Perhaps a description of one of her games would serve to
better illustrate the tension and the revelation that always seemed to be
present in some form with this woman.
Shortly after the first outing, we started playing other games, and Julie
discovered I had quite a strong fetish for other forms of having my cock and
balls tortured and that I also loved to be slowly masturbated. Never one to
miss a chance to offer me the most agonizing way to realize my desires, she soon
developed a little game for me.
I lay on the bed with my wrists tied to the headboard and my legs bound spread
apart and open. Julie would often dress up in some nice lingerie, but, nothing
really very fetish. It was quite lovely on her, but, it was pretty tame in
some ways by today's fashions. She would sit on the side of the bed and make a
little production out of removing her rings and coating her hands and fingers
with oil. Then she would very gently and slowly starts to massage my cock and
my balls, using plenty of warm massage oil, and working up and down my shaft
and the massaging the front and back of my balls. I would be in heaven.
Really, I would lay my head back on the pillow and feel every muscle in my body
release. I didn't know much about anatomy then, and, to be honest didn't even
know what my prostate was, but, I knew when Julie would rub the tip of her
finger across that little place up under my balls, I was in unable to do
anything but lay like one of those big dogs that roll over legs up when you rub
their tummy.
This would go on for 10 minutes of so, and I would love every gentle touch and
caress, sinking deeper and deeper in to this pleasure zone she created for me.
But, something else was happening to. The tension had left my muscles and
after a period of relaxation, the warm caresses and stroking would start to get
me aroused. I started to want the sensations to pick up a bit, faster or with
a variation in forcefulness.
Julie's masturbating at this point is quite slow and her hand very light. And,
after what seemed to be like 10 minutes or so, she takes my balls in the palm
of one of her hands and continues to milk me with the other. I think she
could tell when I was starting to get restless and when the cock and ball
massage needed to end and her torment begin.
Her game went like this. She isn't milking me hard or fast enough for me to
actually get off. If she would stroke me and gently hold my balls like this
for a long time but never would there be enough pressure or the stroking fast
enough for me to orgasm.
I could ask her at any time to stroke faster, or, to use more pressure on my
cock as she strokes. She would then stroke and caress my cock exactly as I
ask. However, the pressure of her grip on my balls increased, directly
proportional to the speed and force at which she is going to stroke me. If I
want it faster, I have to ask, and, she would slowly increase her speed. And
her grip on my balls will increase too.
If I wanted more pressure from her hand stroking my cock up and down, I would
ask and she gladly applies the pressure or increases the speed, teasing me about
it as she gripped my balls harder, or twists my ball sac, or digs her nails in
to my skin.
Like wise, I could ask at any time for her to slow down, then speed up, then
slow down, however I desired the masturbation to go on. If I asked her to slow
down, she would and the pressure on my balls would lessened, if I asked her to
then speed up, she would and grip my balls became harder. Howevr I asked, she
would do, but, my balls would be tortured to the same degree as I was being
masturbated.
I can't tell you the way this game of hers use to get to me. Can you hate
something and love it at the same time. Can you look forward to something for
days on end and then feel the butterflies in the pit of your stomach when you
can actually have it. I think in some ways it could be compared to the feeling
one has right before they begin on some carnival ride. The exhilaration, the
fear, the anticipation.
Julie learned quickly to read my responses and to judge how long and what
motion and speed and forcefulness I needed in order to get off. And, over time
she adjusted this game to the point where, I would not, absolutely not, get to
have my orgasm if I did not take a fair amount of ball torture.
I would try to fool her, acting like the pain was more then it actually was in
order to try to adjust her proportional ball squeezes to a lower scale. Or, I
would tell her that her stroking wasn't fast or hard enough when really I could
soon get off if she would continue with just that pressure and speed a few more
strokes. But, we have played this game too often, and, she knew what I need
and about how long it would take me.
I think voices are important and for that I can thank Julie too. She would
use her voice often and knew it could affect me, using it to get me as excited
as she could and wanting and needing to cum.
She had kind of a high, or "girlish" voice, not sultry or low, but, used that
to great effect, teasing me about "are my little balls hurting" or "do you like
that, when I stroke you like that...you ready for some more." What ever the
commentary, her voice got me going too.
I hated the game but couldn't resist because it contained all the elements
that aroused me and still it caused me to have to confront myself. I had a
certain control, the level of pain I could or would take, the speed and
forcefulness of the stroking. And, I craved a certain amout of ball torture.
But, Julie controlled too, controlled my right to orgasm. And, she understood
something else I think. As a man builds to orgasm, he loses most prespective
on any thing else. Other stimuli and such fade more in to the background and
the release become primary. She designed a game to take advantage of that, and
was good at finding the edge where the need to release was causing other things
to fade, but, the pain couln't be ingnored because it was becoming too great.
The internal fight would rack me, the turmoil this caused was unnerving and
upset balances programed in to me by nature and by previous experience.
It was often a constant battle with myself over the course of an hour to see
if I could take the punishment she is giving to my balls, which she loves
delivering, so I can feel her soft sweet hand stroking me to orgasm. or, if it
would be too much.
The first few times we played I used a stair step method of building to my
orgasm. or, I should say I tried to. I endured havimy balls squeezed and my
sac pulled down and the skim at the bottom of my ball sac twisted and pinched,
to a certain point of arousal, and then I would ask her to back off a bit and
recover, gathering my strength for a new assult.
I had thought that the prior excitement would make the second assult quicker
and I could cheat the ball torture and get my orgasm. I hadn't thought that
through very well, as, it might be true that each time down the stairs I didn't
go all the way, and, thus was closer on the next journey up to my release. But,
each time back up those stairs my balls also retained some of the soreness from
the last assult and I could take less.
I then thought I would just go for it all at once. I wouldn't retain that
dreaded soreness and dull aching that had built up, and would be able to endure
through the ball squeezing and pulling long enough to get over. That didn't
work either, as Julie easily saw the method I was attempting to use and like
the game was desinged, adjusted her torments.
I didn't know then what a parachute was, but, now I understand it
effectiveness quite well. Julie ringed her fingers around the top of just one
of my balls, loosly, and started a slow pulling motion, pullingh down and
tightening her finger ring at ther tip of my ball. Then she would slide her
fingers back up to the top just where my ball started and slowly pull down
again. She was stroking me hard and fast and I remember feeling at the time
that I can take this, I even like the sensation she is causing my ball. At
first. But, she was stretching on the downward pull a little more each time
and as close as I was to spurting like a gyser, I couldn't take it and panted
out for her to go lighter...Julie won out that time, as hot as I was, I broke
down and I couldn't take any more of that torment and I didn't get to cum. I
had had a few times where, as much as I battled myself to go on and get that
sweet release, as much as I craved the masturbation and, even had an arousal
factor watching her squeeze and twist my balls in her pretty little hand, that
as much as I craved her little hands stroking me and jerking my cock, I
couldn't take her hurting my balls anymore.
I had a few times where I had such a need to orgasm, I was in such a high
state of arousal, that I passed throught the pain and she was she gave me a
complete and mind boggling hand job to completion. She never gamed me and her
ball torments where always with in a scale I started to understand and get
familar with and were consistent for the most part.
Well, except for perhaps the one time she used some chop sticks to bind my
balls front and back and then used a third one to ping the me right in the
middle of one of my balls.
God that makes me shutter even now. But, that is a different story.
Keep in mind, this game could go on for a while, really as long as I wanted.
There was no prohibition of back tracking and requesting lighter strokes or a
less forceful hold on my cock, and thus milder ball torture. I could ask her
to ease up on my cock shaft, and, then she would ease up on my balls, and,
then, when I was ready again, ask for harder masturbation and, consequently,
the ball torments would increase.
And, there were many levels along the way between the very light stroking and
no ball torture and the heavy forceful stroking and hard ball torment. It was
like climbing stairs.
We had times where we played this game for over an hour. And Julie never
wavered or tired of it or stopped before I either said I couldn't take any more
and when I did endure, she stroked me to a wonderful orasm. And, when I endure,
there was a bonus. She was quite accomadating as a lover and if I endured to
orgasm, we could have sex as much as i wanted the next few days. The times I
did call a stop, because my balls were too sore and I couldn't make another
attempt to ascend those stairs, she would not want to have any other kind of
sex for a few days, that would "ruin" our game and be "cheating" as she said.
And Julie would be quite content to untie me and really leave me high and dry,
and, walk away from it. She was always very sweet about not going on, and never
once did she continue past when I asked to stop. She was also a cold hearted
bitch about making sure my balls were aching and sore the times I did endure and
cum. And god did I cum those times.
I often at first would be very frustrated. I mean in a real way, quite cross
and saying enough of the game and let's stop this now and just make love...or,
I would plead and really beg her ...ask her just this once please...Julie never
once gave in to my pleading or asking just this once either, and, I DIDN'T cum.
I think she enjoyed that alot, knowing how sexually frustrated I was. After an
hour of so my balls would ache from the torment, and, from the need to release
my sperm, and I would want her so bad.
I don't know if women have the same type of experience when they have been
aroused and brought up and down the scale for about an hour and then don't have
the release they crave. I can't explain how overwhelming this is to a man and
how we can literally think of nothing else for a while but getting
satisfaction. I never once made love to her on a day or night we played that
game and I had had to quit. Often she made me go for a few days with no sexual
contact with her. And, in a gentle way she would tease me about it later,
asking me if I was hot for her and making cracks about blue balls and such. One
time, after I had stopped the game, the next day she came in to the room with a
tennis ball and making sure I was looking, but with out a word, started
squeezing the ball in the plam of her hand and smiling.
I found another fetish I have along the way with this. I found it incrediably
arousing when she denied me sex. It was almost like at those times my balls
belonged to her and they were at her beck and call. I liked this alot, feeling
like she had ownership of my sex organs. This little slip of woman controlling
some big brute like me. The way she teased me and left me aroused and frustrated
and aching yet she decided, This was a strange feeling to me, unlike the power
arrangement in any relationship I had ever had, and, it made me even more
aroused. I don't understand that at all. I was very frustrated and in a real
way, and, sometimes I was quite cross about it, yet, something about her denial
of sex and her control of my cock and balls, the essence of my maleness in a
fashion, made me randy as hell.
I often wondered why she didn't take more advantage of that. When I felt that
way I would have gladly gotten on my knees and given her what ever pleasure I
could have. I mean, she could have had me kneeling and whorshipping her until
she had as many orgasms as she wanted. And if she had saw fit to make me work
till she had 3 or 4 orgasms and then said goodnight and left me panting and
hard and unsatisfied, I would have been on my knees again the next day with even
more enthusiasm.
Julie wasn't like that though. She would deny me sex after I had quit the
game, and wouldn't ask for any herself and wouldn't really go out of her way in
any fashion to tease me too much. Just wait as her style was, perhaps some
gentle teasings, while my insides did loop de loops and I worked my way back
to requesting something from her. I learned after a few times that when I
didn't take the torture, I didn't cum, and, I didn't cum for a few days. That
would be cheating and ruin our game. And it would work on me, the visual
images I took with me from the last game, the pent up desire to orgasm, the
thrill of the whole experience still in me, and, really, a building need to
submit myself. Beyond the orgasm, I mean, I found that I wanted to have her
have me and torment me and take control of all of our sex life for her
enjoyment. I had this need.
After a couple of days, I needed it again. And one way was to ask to play
again. It worked on me inside, it made me hot to have her deny me like this and
frustrated me and it flooded me with images of a cruel angel torturing me for
her glee. I think often after a break of a bit, the ideas of having her torture
my balls and the remembrance of how it looked and having my most intimate body
parts subjected to cruel torments of a woman who enjoyed extracting that from
me, that got me so excited I somewhat forgot how much I hated the pain. But,
like other things that happened between us, Julie understood that tension and
was patient and eventually, my need for this play and for submission came
roaring back full force. And, I would ask her, embarrassed, humbled in some
ways, and not boldly at all, I would ask her if she will play again.
Which always causes a smile and she often would say something like "are you
sure, you didn't want me to go on last time," or, she would tease me and show
me her hand making a squeezing motion and say "...I'm really going to make you
suffer this time" I would get hard just seeing her do that, hearing those
words, and watching her hand make that motion. Sometimes, after a few days, if
we haven't done anything else and I have had no release, I suffering long and
hard for my cum and my balls were sore for days. I would sit at my work and
wonder how such a sweet things could enjoy hurting me like that, and why I
craved it so. And I would be so hot it made it hard to work. Once or twice she
called me at work and asked me how my balls were. Did I enjoy it and she would
wait, wait till I answered. That embarrassed me too.
I know I always had to ask and, it was my fetish that was being fed, but, I know
the looks she would have and the satisfaction Julie got by torturing my balls. I
think we fed each other, that she needed me to need this from her in order to
find satisfaction and fulfillment and I needed someone who got excited by doing
this to me and how that got me even more excited, and god did I need to have a
wonderful woman who enjoyed being cruel to me in the bedroom. I think she knew
too that she had me right where she wanted me with this game. It appealed to
me psychologically and physically both. It was quite a perfect game for my
makeup and I was in cosntant turmoil to turn away from it and yet, it was
always me, each and everytime that asked for it. And, I have never met any
other woman who wants to play like that, that understood dominance in term of
psychological control and could find so many ways to make me walk the razor's
edge like that.
Julie told me once that she wouldn't mind watching another woman doing that to
me, but, really, I wouldn't have known how to ask. I am a pretty big guy, six
foot 2 inches, I probably was about 210 lbs then and quite fit. I sort of had
a reputation for being aggressive in life and at my work. But, I am shy around
women and this embarrassed me, this part of me. I don't think I would ever had
really just plain out asked even Julie, we more or less stumbled in to some of
this, or Julie had taken control of its introduction and I wasn't aware of her
leading me to this.
I think she enjoyed being cruel, even if she acted often like it was my little
game. I think she was a nice sweet wonderful person she enjoyed sexual cruelty
and was intelligent enough to understand that the sweet spot of her desire was
making me reveal how much I needed her to be that way with me. Its almost a
cruelty in its own way.
I know, as much as I had a love/hate thing with her little hands torturing my
balls, some things stayed with me from those sessions long after they ended. I
would sometimes look at her when we are out doing something, maybe in a group
and we were across the room from each other, I would look at her, that sweet
smile, the animated way she interacted, or just watch those litle hands tuck a
stray bit of hair behind her ear, so attractive and feminine loking, a healthy
athletic all American girl type, and my mind would flash in on remembering her,
and me, alone, me tied down and Julie sitting on the side of the bed, cupping my
balls in that little soft hand, and, the way she likes to hurt them and abuse me
for my orgasm, and, really, to be honest, it would just make me hard as hell.
The events described above happened a long time ago, but, to set the stage of
where I was at emotionally, we are about 1 year in to our relationship now,
and, I wanted this to go further, I had much more territory to explore. I don't
really know how to approch it.
I am at this point not even clear if we are entering in to what I now know is
called a D/s relationship, (I had no idea there were relationships like that
then) or, if we are just playing kinky games.
I am having trouble not being overwhelmed and sending my flood of sexual
fantasies to rest upon her, and upon our relationship and am in danger of
losing myself in sexual fantasy with this woman. I mean, imposing the sexual
fantasies as the dominant theme of our relating, and, not the man to woman or
person to person relationship it had been before, with the sex being only one
part of it.
This is powerful stuff to me and it has me off balance. Some days all I can
think about is sexual submission to this woman. In a more intense way and in a
more complete way. This is beyond things i had felt before. I want her to be
bold and take control of me, and I fantasize about that a lot, different
themes. Yet, I am also very much aware that I crave her quiet gentle style as
well, and, I want her to slowly spin her web too. Is she doing that? I don't
know even that.
I feel this need to serve this woman. And, I didn't know if she understood that
desire, or where I was headed, or, where we were headed, or if we were headed
anywhere.
Or had Julie had simply found some things she knew I liked and did them. I
wanted things, but, I didn't really know what it was. I was constantly
hungering and I wanted to be fed quickly.
I knew that her general style and way of doing things was different then that.
I think I could be compared to, well, perhaps to a great big old rock tumbling
down a hill side. I tend to gather speed and head in the direction I am going
with full force, thrashing over things and crushing anything in my way.
Julie, for all the ways she now had this control of me, she wasn't forceful like
that. More like water, slowly flowing out and filling in and finding and
seeping in to all the little recesses and hidden nooks.
At this point, she has me and I was really scared about that and scared about
the forces that I had been feeling released in myself.
