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Graveyard Shift
Author: John F Drake
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(Added on Sep 16, 2012)
(This month 66085 readers) (Total 80375 readers) |
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A goth girl gets raped by a bunch of frat boys in a cemetery, then they make her invite her sister to the party. They don't walk away at the end. |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
| Number
of Ratings: 2 |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (6/10) |
Average
Rating:  (6.5/10) |
Highest
Rating:  (7/10) |
| Lowest
Rating: (6/10) |
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| Reviewer:
Michael247
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Sep 19, 2012 |
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Um... yeah.
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All right, let's dissect this little tale. The first thing I have to say is that "Graveyard Shift" is short on plot and long on fuck. A whole series of improbabilities combine to form a fuck fest that really doesn't do anything different through the course of the story. If you're a fan of hardcore, bitch-slappin' rape, especially anal rape, then this story is for you.
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Grammatically the story isn't half bad. The author uses a decent combination of compound and simple sentences that add sufficient depth and complexity to the story that you don't feel like you're reading a grade school primary, nor are you overloaded with so many descriptive prepositional phrases (the Lewis effect I call it!) that the story is unwieldy. Unfortunately there are a ton of minor punctuation errors, wrong words, and other issues that a decent editor might have caught. It detracts from the whole, but not too much.
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The story basically revolves around a teenage, goth girl named Ariel. Or Aeral, or whatever. I'm gonna spell it Ariel because my kids just watched the Little Mermaid. In any event, poor little Ariel decides to head out to the local cemetery on Halloween to do a little witchcraft. Once she arrives, she is surprised to find herself surrounded by boys... who later turn out to be men.
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Really? She's surprised? What cemetery ISN'T packed on Halloween night? Duh. Clearly Ariel isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. She is grabbed, manhandled, and then for lack of a better option, forced into a mausoleum.
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Yes. That's right. A mausoleum. Which evidently is big enough to host a rave. All the boys come along and in short order tear Ariel from her corset, skirt, and thong. She is then dry raped, anally raped, and hot waxed,as well as forced to give blowjobs.
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Then in what has to be the most appalling set up ever, Ariel is forced to call her little (or is it big?) sister Raven, and ask her to come pick her up. Raven does it and as expected, becomes the rat pack's latest victim. Now the crowd has swelled and they start using some more brutal tools, like knives on the girls. In the end, Raven (who WAS a virgin and is no longer) loses too much blood and is left for dead and Ariel is sealed into a sarcophagus after being warned never to tell anyone - oh yeah - and never to wear panties again.
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I don't know about you, but I'm guessin' someone's gonna go to jail for murder.
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To be honest, I felt that the author, John F. Drake, certainly has some potential. His story setting and conception is decent, but the execution is formulaic and predictable. While it is permissible for one to replicate the same sort of sexual violence against a girl during a rape, the author needs to differentiate it some way. Until the knife, that wasn't done. It was just repeats. Worse, there wasn't any tension building up to the crescendo. It was sloppy sex, over and over. I feel as if a great scene wasn't maximized. After all, Ariel's witchcraft could have gotten involved, she could have resisted calling her sister Raven and been tortured. She could have tried to give Raven a clue and then been furious when stupid Raven showed up. So many options...
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In summary, this isn't a bad tale, but a lot more could happen to it to make it a good one. The author clearly has the technical skills to write a cohesive and attention grabbing story, he just needs to work on the tempo and tension aspects, upping the ante so to speak, of the victim and her ordeal.
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Yours Faithfully, Michael Alexander
www.michaelalexanderstories.com (6/10)
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- Replied by:
PhallenFoenix
(Edit) (Sep 19, 2012)
- Thank you for the in depth review. For what it's worth, I agree with you on essentially every single point you make. This is one of my earliest stories, written several years ago, and not one of the tales I'm especially proud of... but I decided to submit it with the rest for purposes of completeness.
Thank you so much for an in depth review.
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| Reviewer:
pig
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Sep 19, 2012 |
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Good story! Keeps your attention. (7/10)
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- Replied by:
PhallenFoenix
(Edit) (Sep 19, 2012)
- Thank you. Your review was the first notification I got that my stories were posted :)
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