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Alone Together
Author: Lockedup737
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(Added on Sep 18, 2008)
(This month 123389 readers) (Total 149954 readers) |
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Melissa and Niki were both members of the national amateur sporting teams. Melissa was part of the volleyball teem and Niki was a champion gymnast.Both were the best at their events. They spent their lives alone, especially Niki. She had no one since she was three years old.The only time that they were the least bit social was during a sporting event.They didn't know how alone they truly were until Melissa decided that she wanted Niki. It was not an easy thing for either of them. Both had NO idea what it meant to have a friend or ANY type of relationship, so they didn't know what was suppose to be "normal" and what was not. |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
| Number
of Ratings: 8 |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (8.5/10) |
Average
Rating:  (9/10) |
Highest
Rating:  (10/10) |
Lowest
Rating:  (8/10) |
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| Reviewer:
fallenstar
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Mar 6, 2009 |
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I enjoyed this story very much. It was the firth F/f story I really got into on here.. I must admit though that I think i enjoyed it more at the beginning before the Nancy and Laura were introduced than towards the end. (8/10)
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- Replied by:
lockedup737
(Edit) (Mar 7, 2009)
- fallenstar, Thanks for the comments. I wanted to write a story that could be enjoyed without, blood,torture or death. I don't "get off" on that. I have received a lot of comments....good and bad....about the bear but I needed something that would help. Niki is not capable of dealing with two men in that situation.
I didn't originally intend for Nancy and Laura to become such a large part of the story but I believe it worked out. I "let them go" at the end and have no intention of bringing them back, except for casual meetings at the gym. I will probably continue this story in a month or two, starting with Part II. Thanks again.
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| Reviewer:
skullblade
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Feb 1, 2009 |
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I have just read and finished this fine story and will be sad not to see more in the future, but that being said I really have to say that it was well written and very enjoyable as well. Thank you for this story and all the rest as well. (10/10)
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| Reviewer:
mkemse
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jan 19, 2009 |
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very enjoyable to read (8/10)
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| Reviewer:
JimmyJump
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jan 6, 2009 |
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Okay. Here we are, reading along nicely through what seems an interesting story about the slow but steady mental training of one girl by another. Meanwhile however, a tin of Valium is needed to calm the nerves because of the gutwrenching spelling mistakes (people 'fallowing' others while giving 'messages' to each other's backs).
Then, after having munched through about one forth of the Valium tin, someone must have popped a large flacon of acid in the writer's living room, as things get rather psychedelic all of a sudden when the bear is introduced.
I don't mind plot twists, but there's limits.
Also, why on earth does the writer leave 'editors notes' every few paragraphs? To enlighten us? The only thing we get enlightened about with these notes, is that the author didn't feel like coming up with a few good lines to direct the plot in a new general direction.
Excuse me for saying so, but that is what writing is all about: fluidly transferring from one situation to another, without raising too many eyebrows along the way.
Instead, the author chooses to add a note 'to cut a long story short'. Well, such notes are good in a temporary draft, as a reminder to the author he still has an explanation to add. You can't 'cut a long story short' every time you write yerself in a corner. My next story will be called "The Unexisting Story". It will tackle about the same subject you, Lockedup737, are writing here. It will go like this "There once were two girls, but to cut a long story short, they had all kinds of kinky sexual experiences and lived happily ever after..."
Howzat for a story? Right...
Of course, I'm exaggerating. But just the slightest bit.
I do like the story so far, because it has a lot of promise, good characterizations of the girls and, bar the 'notes' (and a wee bit too much emphasis on the girls having no-one and some inconsistencies in their behaviour), reads nicely. Just too bad you didn't take more time to work out things to a higher degree.
And to clear the air between us: it's not because I sound rather negative that I think this is traschcan material, cuz, like I said, I like the story and the general idea behind it.
I'm off, getting a fresh family-pack of Valium, as I just saw that the bear was re-introduced...
I'll keep you posted. Hell, maybe I'll even send you a 'massage' (wink-wink).
8/10
JJ
(8/10)
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- Replied by:
lockedup737
(Edit) (Jan 7, 2009)
- JimmyJump, Thanks for the comments. I always appreciate them from others. I'm sorry about the editor's notes. You are correct. There are too many. They DO thin out after a bit but there will be none from now on in my stories. As far as the spelling goes, I have gotten lots of comments about that. I am not making excuses but I re-read the stories specifically looking for spelling errors and there shouldn't be any. I use Openoffice to write these stories. Maybe somewhere in the submission of the story to when it gets posted something gets screwed up. As much as I hate Microsoft, I will use their office from now on and see if it helps.AS far as the bear goes, I had no intention of leaving either of the two women in the hands of the men. I wanted some adventure but neither woman was capable of rescuing the other. I kind of wrote myself into a corner. I thought the bear would make it interesting. I have seen wild animals take in other animals in place of their young. This relationship is not completely out of the realm of possibility although with a human it is unlikely. After the initial introduction of the bear, I meant it to be nothing more than comic relief. I guess I went too far on that one. Once again, thanks. I am not an experienced writer but I enjoy it. Hopefully in time, it will get better. Lockedup737.
- Replied by:
JimmyJump
(Edit) (Jan 14, 2009)
- I know out of experience that reading a text on a webpage always seems harsher than a real-life exchange, because of the lack in voice intonation and body language. I've never wanted to tear down the story, because first and foremost: it is a deliciously written story. Just that it comes across as a preliminary draft, at times.
I'm absolutely certain that you will only get better, Lockedup737, because you've got what it takes...
JJ
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| Reviewer:
star69
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Nov 13, 2008 |
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keep it coming
(9/10)
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| Reviewer:
Ralphus
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Oct 9, 2008 |
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I enjoyed the first two chapters and am delighted that the third maintains the right rhythm. Well done to resist the pressures for quicker action: this is a story that should progress slowly as it would in real life, given two similar people and their backgrounds.
Ralphus (9/10)
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| Reviewer:
dbenne2002
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Oct 5, 2008 |
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I like the story line. I think you should have more detail in the seduction contact and the body contact. But an excellent start. (8/10)
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| Reviewer:
Ladykate
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Sep 20, 2008 |
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Mmmmmmm, yes a lovely slow start that seems to be simmering well. I'm sure it will come to the boil nicely. (9/10)
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