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Training Triplets
Author: Mistress Lisa
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(Added on Nov 13, 2010)
(This month 99716 readers) (Total 144300 readers) |
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Racheal is hired to train a set of triplets to become slaves for a couple. They discover it is not what they thought it would be but it is to late. |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
| Number
of Ratings: 6 |
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| 1 |
2 |
3 |
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| 0% |
0% |
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33% |
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33% |
17% |
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17% |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (6.5/10) |
Average
Rating:  (7/10) |
Highest
Rating:  (10/10) |
Lowest
Rating:  (4/10) |
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| Reviewer:
Martiniman
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Dec 21, 2011 |
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A very enjoyable story that goes well with all of the stories involving Rachel. I only wish there were more. (10/10)
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| Reviewer:
lincin1987
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Nov 28, 2010 |
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Pretty interesting so far but be sure to improve your formatting. It's terrible. (7/10)
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| Reviewer:
krystal
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Nov 27, 2010 |
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I LOVE body mods and enjoyed the piercing part.
I certainly hope that the Author finishes the story. there is so much potential left to tell.
Wish that there was more detail about the implants. (8/10)
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| Reviewer:
turk182
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Nov 26, 2010 |
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I like it so far, waiting for more, I'm not critical of anyone who can write, wish I could!! (7/10)
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| Reviewer:
JimmyJump
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Nov 17, 2010 |
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"It was a mild Monday morning in November when Racheal and her slave/assistant Jasmine went to visit Mr. & Mrs. Schwartz at their hotel in downtown Miami to discuss the training of the triplets they had found to become proper slaves." That first sentence has three women in it, so, to continue with " The Schwartz’s were recommended by her lawyer, who was in the scene." has one wondering who "she" is. Racheal, Jasmine or Mrs. Schwarz?
To say that the lawyer was "in the scene" had me wondering also. In Belgium, for instance, there's a rock band called 'The Scene'. I've also been part of a scene: the Heavy Metal scene, as I did security at concerts and festivals and stuff...
Third sentence starts off with "They were a very private couple..." Who? The Schwarzes? Or Racheal and Jasmine?
Your characters have names, so use them when needed, instead of too often referring to them as "she", "her" or "they"...
"Training Triplets" has a nice basic idea, but the execution of the story rattles on all sides, thanks to poor syntax and the lack of the needed punctuation marks.
Also --and this happens a lot with some writers-- there seems to be confusion about the meaning of 'chapters'. Here, the so-called chapters are paragraphs, really.
Mistress Lisa has potential, but that potential can and will only develop when she is willing to get instructed about the technical side of writing.
Should Mistress Lisa hone her skill that way, I feel she has a future as a good writer and could be acknowledged as one.
If Mistress Lisa leaves things as they are, she has a future as a writer too, alas as just one out of the many...
JJ (4/10)
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| Reviewer:
Major Littmann
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Nov 16, 2010 |
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It is the lamentable punctuation, and poor formatting which jump out from the page but these hide the rather stilted dialogue but leave the descrition such as about 124lbs only too prominent
About 124 lbs, one twenty or one two five but 124?
You need to format for the internet short paragraphs, one speaker per paragraph, double line space and do not indent paragraphs and put speech marks each end of the spoken phrase and you're part way there.
Which just leaves the speech, and they just don't sound like five different people, and the flat boringly detailed factual New Geographic like descriptions.
Its probably a three really. (4/10)
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