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Thanksgiving Dinner
Author: bigbobby.
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(Added on Dec 2, 2010)
(This month 89239 readers) (Total 116140 readers) |
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Mom and daughter working at Food Pantry are invited to dinner. |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
| Number
of Ratings: 2 |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (5/10) |
Average
Rating:  (4.5/10) |
| Highest
Rating: (5/10) |
Lowest
Rating:  (4/10) |
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| Reviewer:
Michael247
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Feb 25, 2011 |
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You know, when I first read this I was almost hoping that despite the cliche, that we'd have the mom and daughter team SERVED up for dinner. Alas, we were treated to evening entertainment that rambled.
*
All right, we've got a few things to discuss with
"Thanksgiving Dinner". The first item on the agenda is formatting. I'm going to give the author some credit here, despite the way the story ended up looking. Getting a story ready to post on any online automatic server (like the BDSM Library) requires some adjustment. First of all, you can't use the tab key. That fact alone pretty much eliminates writing in traditional literary style. What most authors then do is replace the tab with an "enter" break, thus putting an actual line of space wherever there would have been a paragraph or dialog indentation. It's still messy, but it functions. In this particular case, the author hit the enter key after every sentence, which made for some seriously strange formatting. At least he hit it twice for a delineation between paragraphs. This tells me the author is getting to the point of knowing how to construct his story so the Library prints it correctly on the page. Still got a ways to go, but we're making progress. A final point concerning submission: make the font and color and type all the same please.
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The next issue we need to look at is dialog. There is an AWFUL lot of it in this story, most of which is smack talk. Okay, I understand that's a turn on for some people. Me, not so much. But the smack talk wasn't my real issue. My real issue is that very few identifiers were included to indicate WHO was doing the talking, though that improved as the story continued. In fact, the first two paragraphs are almost ALL dialog, with different speakers on the same "line" and absolutely no indicators other than one person in the conversation being named "mom". You've GOT to tell us who is talking. INTRODUCE your characters. Here's a fun creative writing challenge. Create a sentence where you set a scene, establish TWO characters, and even create a plot. Here's an example using some of the parts of "Thanksgiving Dinner": "Mom? I just got a really weird call from Gail, who wanted to know if we stocked something called 'long pig' for Thanksgiving Dinner?" said Tammy. See? In this sentence, I've established three characters, Mom, Tammy, and Gail. I've established that Mom and Tammy work for some sort of shop, maybe even some sort of grocery store or butcher, and that Gail was looking for "long pig" for Thanksgiving dinner. All in one sentence. This story seriously needs a sentence like this. By the way, Long Pig is what a few cannibal groups used as code for eating people. Just FYI.
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Grammatically, the story is not bad. The formatting really distracts and makes it look worse than it is, but take that away and you've got some decent sentence construction. Not much in the way of complexity or depth, and I would advise the author to try inserting a few compound sentence in here or there. It shows a writing sophistication that helps readers move smoothly through your story.
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One thing this story is heavy on besides dialog, is action. Now it's true that dialog (at least meaningful dialog, not smack talk) and action move the plot along. The whole first part of this story is rather choppy without much plot movement, the second part is not much better. The third section eschews most of the dialog in favor of described action and is actually the best of the three parts. You might say that the action is the meat of the story. And it tastes pretty good.
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However from a plot perspective, things go from "wow I didn't see that coming with Terri and Amanda" to "WTF?" when Gail goes from being a victim to being one of the abusers. The author conveniently explains this massive shift in plot by stating (after the fact of course) that Gail was injected with some sort of stimulant and drug. Suddenly the perfect mother and best friend to her daughter suddenly has repressed emotions of anger... toward her daughter? Huh? Where the hell did THAT come from? I mean seriously, is this an erotic fiction novel or did someone swallow a bowl of psychotic Sigmund Freud beans and decide that reality no longer applied. Or was the author on drugs themselves, which might explain the bright blue color of part two as well as the fact that Gail now seems to be on board with FISTING her teenage daughter! While said daughter is being whipped on the ass by... gasp... A BLACK MAN. Hey, can we make our racial biases a little more obvious please? It wasn't the fact that poor Tammy was being hung by the neck and being whipped across the ass with a belt that was the issue. No... it was that she was being hung by the neck and whipped across the ass with a belt by a BLACK MAN. Ah.. the horror. I sense a lynching in the distance. Seriously though, wouldn't Gail be more upset that her daughter was being WHIPPED and HUNG, more than by what skin color the guy who was doing it to her is?
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Why or why is there a "snuff" code on this story. No one dies. No one "snuffs" it. Sure, if the author had actually kept the story going as Tammy is hauled to the spitting pit, sure maybe I could see the rating. But there was no snuff in this so far. I suppose it's possible the author is planning another part (God help us) and that the added section will see the completion of the codes. To be honest, that doesn't bother me all that much. I hope Gail, after helping and watching them spit Tammy, is then grabbed, basted, and forced to accept her own spit for Thanksgiving dinner. Wouldn't it be fun for Tammy, still alive of course, to glare at Mom rotating next to her, for what dear Mommy did to her?
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In summary, there's a lot for the author to work on. Formatting should be first, since this will improve rating dramatically and actually enable readers to actually READ the story. Then I recommend working on the plot arch so that there is some believability instead of just this sudden, "oh what the hell, I'm going to make a UFO land here and fuck the girls and give the BLACK GUY" a hernia!" moments. So we'll see what happens next from bigbobby. I sense some decent creativity here from this author. We just need it to make sense!
*
Yours Faithfully, Michael Alexander
(www.michaelalexanderstories.com) (5/10)
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| Reviewer:
_ID_
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Dec 5, 2010 |
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Story line is lacking. Breaking every paragraph to title it was a little much. (4/10)
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