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new girl in school
Author: teasenpleasegirl
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(Added on Jan 28, 2011)
(This month 33391 readers) (Total 60447 readers) |
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Amanda experiences jealousy as soon as she comes to a new school. the other girls take out their frustrations on her in gym class. |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
| Number
of Ratings: 4 |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (7.5/10) |
Average
Rating:  (8/10) |
Highest
Rating:  (9/10) |
Lowest
Rating:  (6/10) |
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| Reviewer:
Michael247
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Feb 16, 2011 |
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Wow, talk about cramming a lot into a small space!
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Since this is teasenpleasegirl, I'm going to write this review directly toward the author. First of all, this is a great first story. You did a pretty good job with the language and you told an intriguing tale.
* As other reviewers have mention, you've crammed a lot of action, explanation, and plot development into a very small amount of text. Remember that depth takes description, and other than Amanda's physical appearance, you didn't give the readers much to go. You've got a fantastic story plot, so don't unload it all on your readers in one fell swoop. Make them EARN it.
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You might delineate your formatting a little. You've inserted dialog inside your paragraphs. You might start a new paragraph for dialog. It provides some visual clues to the reader that there is a change of voice from narrator to character.
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Plot Tension is another thing that is linked to plot development. In this case, you had me harder than a rock in about the first three paragraphs. Thing proceeded as expected, though very fast and then the story ended before I was able to reach my climax.... uh... I mean THE climax. THE CLIMAX.
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Which was... what? The group spanking? The enslavement of Amanda?
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Lastly, this story has some reality issues. Not that you can't create a world where the gym teacher can't strip and sexually humiliate a student, but it helps to take the reader there, explaining what is culturally standard, or at least how current morays have been so radically altered.
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All in all a very nice start to a writing career. Plan out your plots, take your time, add descriptions of set, character, costumes, and action. Balance dialog, action, and description so that you have even amounts of everything. Do this, and you'll be earning 10's in no time.
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Your's Faithfully,
Michael Alexander
(www.michaelalexanderstories.com)
(6/10)
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| Reviewer:
antiphas
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Feb 4, 2011 |
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Excellent beginning. Many possibilites to this story and subsequent sequals. (9/10)
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| Reviewer:
JimmyJump
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Feb 1, 2011 |
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A nice effort, but sadly way too rushed. Try to slow down the pace a bit, give a bit more detail, take the time to present your story.
Now, we're at the end of what's posted in a few heartbeats. Eight kilobytes worth of text and we have an enslaved girl already.
The result is the recital of a good idea, with possibly interesting characters, but the spark is missing. Put some souls in your characters, give 'em the fire that burns within yourself. Think of people and how they act, react and talk...
Try to put some of that in a story and you've got a bright future as a writer...
JJ (7/10)
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- Replied by:
antiphas
(Edit) (Feb 4, 2011)
- You are correct Jimmy, the story could have used more time, but it appears that this was the authors first story, and if that is the case, pretty darn good.
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