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Sarah Gets Sorted
Author: baza
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(Added on Aug 13, 2011)
(This month 28890 readers) (Total 57623 readers) |
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Sarah passes from good girl to bad girl and learns how twisted and wicked men can be |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
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of Ratings: 3 |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (7.5/10) |
Average
Rating:  (8.5/10) |
Highest
Rating:  (9/10) |
Lowest
Rating:  (7/10) |
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| Reviewer:
Michael247
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Aug 16, 2011 |
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Fun, Light, and quick.
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"Sarah Gets Sorted" is a classic tale of the recalcitrant daughter being naughty and ending up with a bit of decent discipline. Except, Sarah WASN'T naughty.
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The first thing I'd like to talk about is the story itself. As overused as the plot is, the author makes it sing for him, proving once again that it isn't original ideas that make a good story, but how an author constructs his or her tale. In this case, the author did a fantastic job with building the sexual tension toward the story's climax. Everything in a good plot was there: introduction, tension build, climax, and even a resolution.
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The author, "baza" is a new writer here on BDSM Library, and for someone with only one story under their belt, did a fantastic job.
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Any review however, would be worthless without SOME constructive critique, so here are a couple of observations about "Sarah Gets Sorted" for the author's perusal:
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First of all, don't give character measurements. Are you a tech writer or a fiction writer? Use adjectives to describe the girl, rather than giving her cup size. Or if you MUST present specific information, create a scene to do it. For example: "Sarah gazed into the mirror as she snapped the bra closed. The B cup bra she was wearing was too tight and she promised herself to pick up a larger size that afternoon." Or you could describe her breasts in terms of analogy: "Her breasts were as big as grapefruit!" That's pretty standard for C cups. Use the gift of words. Numbers suck.
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Watch out for believability. In "Sarah Gets Sorted" the author creates this amazing home life and describes a girl, that while spoiled, gets pretty much everything she needs. It's at this point the author tries to give us the impression that due to the spoiling, Sarah's behavior is worthy of a decent spanking - one her stepdad wants to give. Yet through the rest of the story, Sarah comes across as a straightlaced ethical girl with good moral values (disappointing right? I prefer girls with questionable moral values!) The author never gives us anything to help us conceptualize Sarah as being naughty. That's fine in and of itself, but the author tries to sell us on the fact that she's had this spanking coming for a long time. Uh... yeah? Really? I don't THINK so. In any event, that oversight damages the general perspective of the reader. Who is the antagonist? Who is the protagonist? If Sarah is naughty, she DESERVES the spanking. If she isn't (as the story seems to make rather clear due to her behavior), then stepdad is WAY out of line.
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Third, watch out for grammar issues. For the most part the author does an acceptable job, but there are quite a few sentences that are awkward or have improper punctuation. For example: "Due to her shyness Sarah had tended to notice the more boisterous and confident boys in school, one in particular she had liked from her English classes, Matt he was a bit older, Sarah having just turned 16, played in the school rugby team, he was 5ft 10 and very athletic." First of all, this is a horrible run on sentence. Second, where the sentence goes "...she had liked from her English classes..." doesn't actually have a referring subject. Technically it should be Matt, but because of the sentence construction, "Matt" ends up being the subject of "a bit older". Then there is this weird interdiction of "Sarah, having just turned 16" in the sentence, which isn't even involved in the subject, much less the action going on. It's like too many thoughts were coming from the author's head and his hand just stopped and said "WTF? Okay.. I'll just put it ALL down!" Grammar is important because it affects the readability of your work. Even after ten years, I have to go back and read and re-read my stories in order to provide good copy. I even have TWO real life editors who look over my work and say "Michael... tsk tsk!" Find an editor. Trust me. It helps.
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Description - time to broaden your horizons. Like many new authors, Baza does a great job describing action. Action moves the plot and creates tension, but there is more to writing than just being able to describe the action. Remember that writing a story is like creating a movie, except unlike a movie the author has to do every job. You have to costume the characters. (Sarah's outfit should have been described BEFORE Dad caught her with Matt). You have to describe the sets, the scenes, the characters. You have to handle lighting and props. And worse, all of this is done through one lens: the author's voice. Baza has got a good half of this down and is making inroads on getting the rest of it.
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Dialog- Like action, dialog moves a story's plot along. It can do practically anything. But when you do use dialog, make sure the reader can visually separate it from action and description. Dialog should be in quotations and separate from the preceding paragraph. This provides a distinction between descriptor and dialog. Look at any professionally published novel. Dialog is always separated to a new line. AFTER dialog you can place any amount of descriptor crap you want. But in general, for each new bit of dialog you need to start a new "line".
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So even with all this criticism, I don't want to downplay the story. "Sarah Gets Sorted" was still a good story, and a phenomenal start for a new author. The plot oversights don't really damage the story and most readers will be able to get enjoyment out of this tale. I certainly did.
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Yours Faithfully, Michael Alexander
(www.michaelalexanderstories.com) (7/10)
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| Reviewer:
johnlw77
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Aug 15, 2011 |
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I agree fully with ip1951. There aer many possiblilites to what poor Sarah must expect, of which the consequences of the video-clip diong its humiliating round of the boys at school are only one... (9/10)
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| Reviewer:
lp1951
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Aug 14, 2011 |
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Excellent spanking and humiliation story with very good descriptive writing of what Sarah was wearing and feeling. Please write more chapters soon! Thanks (9/10)
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