"The whole education of women ought to be relative to men. To please them, to be useful to them, to make themselves loved and honored by them, to educate them when young, to care for them when grown, to council them, to console them, and to make life agreeable and sweet to them—these are the duties of women at all times, and should be taught them from their infancy."

Jean-Jacques Rousseau.

Ever since I was a little girl, mommy taught me to be obedient toward father and male figures in the household, because women have to depend on men to live, because if daddy had thrown mommy out of the house, she would be homeless and even end up working as a prostitute. Mommy never worked after she was married; she was not smart but very pretty. She had very fair skin and very good figure and plump luscious breasts like me.

She was a full time housemaid serving daddy and daddy's parents and relatives. Sometimes I saw mommy making mistakes and grandfather would punish her very severely, even more severely than father did. Grandfather especially hated mommy because she is chinese, and because grandfather fought in world war II to keep Japan free from communism. He knew how treacherous those chinese were.  I had heard a lot of stories about chinese since I was young.  Grandpa used to tell us that the chinese would eat their own children.  I also learned from granpa that when mommy first came to Japan with father, she was hot tempered and her family was even more barbaric.  They were not happy with her, even daddy gave her family a lot of money and they were still very ungrateful and her family disowned her. Daddy was very good toward mommy but she always threw tempers at him until grandpa stepped in one day and gave her a very severe beating--so severe that she growled for an entire night--and set her straight. She never dared to be disobedient again from then on and to this day I can remember mommy always started to shiver whenever grandpa came into the house.

Grandpa would tell us that mommy was not like a traditional Japanese woman at all when she first married.  She was rude to guests, threw tempers at her husband and was disrepectful to other family members.  And grandpa made sure that she was disciplined and properly trained into an obedient and civilized Japanese woman. 

As far as I can remember--since I was 3 or 4 years old, Grandfather would make sure mommy always prostrate before him whenever he is in the house and she was never allowed to stand up in front of him. If she wanted to move, she must crawl on her hands and knees.   Only when she is in the kitchen is she allowed to stand.  After she prepares food, she must walk on her knees to bring food into the dining room.  Mommy never ate with daddy, sometimes she was kneeling by daddy's chair ready to serve food and drinks or sometimes she was not seen around dinner time.  She was allowed to eat only after daddy and other relatives have eaten.  My sister and I ate in the kitchen.  And when she is cooking dinner she makes mess on the floor, grandfather would use his cane to beat her and make her lick whatever she spilled on the kitchen floor.  Grandpa also found that mommy lacked upper body strength and endurance because her housework skills were bad; she was very slow and lazy.  He told daddy that he should give her a more rigorous workout training so she could be more effective at housework. Grandpa said he knew exercise he learned during the army that could help mommy becoming stronger and daddy was very pleased about it. At first I thought it was strange why women should be strong, but I realized that mommy had to become stronger because she cannot lift any furnitures in the house like daddy. So grandpa began training mommy after daddy approved. On the following Sunday morning grandpa took mommy into the backyard. It was winter time and it was freezing cold. Grandpa stripped mommy's upper body completedly naked, and the dress hang around her waist. If her hair was a little longer it could have covered her breasts. Her breasts were bare but she had bare feet too because women didn't wear shoes in the house. She was almost always bare feet in the house I can't even remember the last time she wore any shoes or that she even had shoes. My sister and I watched in fear, because we didn't usually see women baring their chest like that, but grandpa was in the army and I remember seeing on TV army soldiers always bare their chest.  Mommy was freezing and tried to cover her breasts, but grandpa gave her a severe stroke on the arms with his cane and told her to put her hands besides her sides at all times unless he directed her otherwise. My sister and I both cringed at the sight. It was very scary for us. Only grandpa knew what he was doing because he used to serve in the army. Then he told mommy to start doing push ups on the ground. She dropped to the ground and we could only see her hair completely covered her face. Grandpa pulled her hair together behind her back and we saw the twisted and painful expression on mommy's face. She had to accept it to become stronger. Grandpa took her hair and tied it into a bundle, then put his cane between mommy's teeth so she was biting down on the cane. Then he hang two small empty buckets on the two ends of the cane so mommy had to bite down harder in order not to drop the cane. Grandpa started to pour water into the buckets. Her face twisted into a warrior like expression as grandpa poured in more water. Whenever mommy dropped the cane grandpa would kick on mommy's stomach and repeat the entire procedure again. This lasted for three hours. Sometimes she held the water bucket by her mouth as she did push up. Sometimes grandpa sat on mommy's back as she did push up, and grandpa would pour the freezing cold water on her back. And when she couldn't get up grandpa stomped on her back or kicked her until she got up again. Grandpa would give mommy strength training every weekend for the next two years and you can actually see mommy getting stronger and stronger every week. Mommy really started to look like a noble Japanese soldier!

Whatever you may think about my grandpa, I think what he did was actually good for mommy because it really did make her very strong and she could really endure so much more pain now! After granpa's training, her housework really became better. She became a lot faster; she never dropped mess in the kitchen anymore, and she cleaned the floor very fast too. Actually my sister and I were trained by grandpa in the same way when we started high school.

Ever since I can remember mommy was always graceful and accepts punishment with sincerity and total obedience, and I have seen how grandpa and father disciplines her to keep her that way.  She always told me, that women should accept punishment with grace and obedience, because women are inferior to men. Mommy told me men are aggressive that's because it's in their nature, and women should by nature be submissive and accept punishment. I think also mommy even enjoyed being punished because sometimes in the bedroom I could hear mommy begging daddy to spank her with his belt. I always think mommy was a very good woman.

Sometimes my sister and I were also punished. But our punishment were lighter compared to mommy's. I remember when father discovered I stole 500 yen from his wallet, he pulled out his belt and severely whipped me. I cried loudly from shame and pain, but daddy kept on hitting me. From that point on, I never dared to make any mistake. Years later I was grateful to daddy and I secretly adore what he did, because I knew if I ever make crimes, there will be consequences. Because if daddy didn't punish me, society later on will punish me. The police will throw me in jail and people will discriminate me because I am a thief.

Daddy sometimes had women and even prostitutes outside. Mommy and everyone knew it but we kept silent, because daddy was a strong men and he can do whatever he liked. On the other hand, mommy had to be chaste to daddy. This may seem unfair at first, but actually if daddy was not aggressive, mommy would have never liked a woman-like man and mommy really did deserve punishment in order to become obedient

In order to prevent mommy of having affairs with other men, daddy rarely allowed mommy outside the house. She was forbidden to talk to neighbors and delivery men and was always kept in the house.

After my sister was born who was 3 years younger than me, daddy worried that mommy might become pregnant again, because she loves having sex too much, and because daddy didn't really want any more children, so he ordered mommy to be sterilized. Daddy and grandpa took her to the hospital and removed her womb so she cannot be pregnant again. At first she was furious and refused to go, but because she kept on getting pregnant, daddy made her do it. Later on I realized that mommy was actually having an affair with one of daddy's friends and in order to punish her and prevent her from having unclean baby out of wedlock, father had to do this. I blame mommy for this and I think she deserved what she got. Mommy turned out to be not so chaste but she always taught us to be chaste but she herself didn't remain chaste to daddy. Afterward she was also given silent treatment. No one in the family was allowed to talk to her or even look at her. She could not even eat with us because daddy thought she was too unclean and ordered her to eat in the yard. Daddy would place her food on the ground outside and let her eat outside instead. When I saw her kneeling outside in the yard eating by herself I felt pity for her, but again I realize what she did and she deserved punishment. Every night, daddy would also gave her beatings too, because sometimes I could wake up and hear her mommy's screams. I think mommy enjoyed it, because I could hear her begging daddy to beat her harder, but sometimes I think daddy would be too harsh and I can hear mommy begging for mercy and forgiveness. I never really knew what went on in the bedroom.

Despite what mommy did, I still love mommy and as far as I can remember I think she was a good wife to daddy most of the time, but it's very hard for anyone to forgive what she did.

As for me, I will always remain chaste to my husband. I will never cheat on him, because I am a good girl.

I learned a lot from mommy on how to be a good girl, and of course I always knew that if I was ever disobedient, grandpa and daddy would not hesitate to punish me. That is why I always strive to be good and never offend any one. More importantly, they taught me how to be a good woman and good wife, so I can be a treasure to my future husband.

When I started high school, father said it was time for me to accept some military training from granpa.  The image of mommy being stripped naked in the backyard, lying on the ground screaming and crying, flashed through my head and the mere thought of it dreaded me.  I felt sick to my stomach and my whole body would begin to tremble.  I knew what grandpa was capable of.  I  have seen how grandpa trained mommy since I was a little girl, and now I was going to be subject to the same training.  I was incredbily fearful, but I didn't know anyway I could back out of this either.  I felt I was slowly pushed to a cliff and I was frozen with fear.  Daddy said it was necessary because he wanted us to be strong.  Daddy especially critized me for the time I accidentally slipped and knocked over the basin in the bathroom.  I almost had a concussion.  He said I was too weak just like mommy.  I tried to make a lot of preparations for myself before grandpa's military training.  I tried to calm myself down.  I tried to tell myself that everyone has to go through it.  It was ok.  When it finally came, I was still caught off guard.  I tried to resist when grandpa told me to go to the backyard.  I knew what was comiing.  I started crying, but grandpa didn't care at all.  He dragged me kicking  and screaming out to the backyard while daddy stood by and watched.  My little sister was standing behind the kitchen window watching me also while mommy was on her knees at the porch, with a complete blank and nonchalant look on her face.  Grandpa stripped off all my clothes.  I was just like mommy before standing in below zero weather, but even more naked, because I remembered mommy always had her underwear on.  On the other hand, my most private area, my entire body, was on display for anyone who happened to pass by our backyard.  I felt so humiliated, so ashamed, big drops of tears started to flow out of my eyes and drivel ran down my nose and I felt it on my lips.  I tried to close my mouth tightly so it didn't go into my mouth.  Instinctively my hands tried to cover my naked body, but again grandpa wielded his cane and hit me on my arms.  It was so painful.  I felt I couldn't stand this anymore.  Again with his cane he hit me on my buttocks and told me to start running back and forth on the straight cobblestone path in our backyard.  I didn't have any shoes, and the stones hurt my feet terribly.  I ran back and forth while grandpa still wielded his cane ready to hit me whenever I seemed to slow down a bit.  After only a few lapse I started to pant and grasp for air.  It was below freezing temperature.  Then he hit me with his cane again, this time on my upper legs and right below my buttocks, and I collapsed on the ground, unable to move anymore.  I sobed loudly.  I was on the ground with only my knees and my hands supporting my body.  I was on all fours and I felt like a dog, completely naked and humiliated.  Then the cane came down again, on my bare buttocks, while a harsh voice told me to keep moving.  I tried to crawl, but I was simply too exhausted.  After I took a few steps to try to get up, I collapsed completely on the ground again, unable to move, and when my breasts was crushed on the ground it send stinging pain through my chest.  My hands were chafed and my knees were cut.  Blood was running out of both of my knees.  Grandpa walked over to the garden and hold up a bucket of cold water and poured on me.  I felt the water running down me but I didn't move.  I was too exhausted and was about to pass out.  Daddy finally came over and said maybe it was enough for one day.  That was my first time being trained.

I also began to take on more family duties after I started high school, and shared more chores that had been reserved for mommy.  I learned to give daddy and grandpa massages.  Sometimes I also cooked.  I always took care of my baby sister before, but now since I was becoming a woman I was assigned more responsibilities and though grandpa's military style training was brutal, it was necessary because I had to become tougher and as a result I could endure more pain now.  A woman needs to endure a lot of pain in order to be good, since a woman needs to subjugate to her husband and her husband has the right to punish her whenever suited him, so she will have to endure his punishment, his torment and be good to him.  A woman's body by nature is built to endure pain.  A woman's skin is intentionally made soft and easy to be bruised; her breasts are firm and round, easy to slap and bite; her buttocks is soft and ready to be spanked.  A woman is born to suffer and she enjoys suffering at the hands of a strong and powerful man, who dominates over her and protects her.  I am glad for grandpa's training of me.  I am now a lot stronger.  I was subjected to more training throughout my high school years that made me impervious to cold weather and improved my immune system as well.  I was less likely to get sick than my little sister, and I also shared more domestic duties with mommy.  I also became less senstive about exposing myself outside the house, and I even found that to be very stimulating.   Sometimes I even wished that perhaps neighbors or complete strangers passed by our back yard and saw my completely naked body. 

          

My sister and I were made fun a lot in high school because they knew my mother was chinese. Sometimes the boys would beat us too. I remember after class a bunch of boys would come over to my sister and I and punch us on the arms. I tried to cover my sister and they would punch and kick us and throw rocks at us until we started to cry, then they would run away. They didn't like us because they think Chinese is a inferior species and wasn't really considered human by Japanese standards, so my sister and I tried extra hard to be more obedient and civilized. We had to show extra courtesy even by Japanese standard so we could not seem inferior to everyone else. It was very hard though. Sometimes people would totally change when they realize you are not full blood Japanese, even Grandpa sometimes called us unpure breed and inferior species.

I once had a crush on boy in high school. Everyday after class he could come over and beat me.  He would come from behind, grab my hair and drag me until I fell on the ground and drag me all the way off the sidewalk.  At first I hated him, because I feared for my life and my entire body was hurting every day.  Every day he would show up and wait for me.  Sometimes he would push and shove me.  Sometimes he would make me kneel on the ground and prostrate before him.  I tried my best to avoid him and I didn't dare to tell anyone because it was shameful.  One day he didn't show up, and I felt slightly disappointed. I felt even a little sad not seeing him. And so gradually I began to understand how mommy feels. I began to realize that women actually love the pain, love the subjugation and love the punishment from men, but when it really happens, somehow women seem to resent it. And when it disappears, women crave it again. It's very strange. One time he pushed me to the ground and stepped on my face with his boots and nimbly reached his hand into my underwear.  I felt so dizzy I almost passed out. Then when he saw my eyes started to become watery he ran away.  I didn't know if he was scared or ashamed.  He didn't know what I really felt actually was. I went home later on that day and touched myself in the shower to several orgasms, thinking of the image of him, of him touching my private area, completely dominating me and with me lying prostrate completely naked in front of him while he beat me. The mixture of feelings was shameful and painful and joyful and exotically arousing, the feeling was so intense several times I felt dizzy from the excitement. But then after that time he never came again. I felt so frustrated. I felt so cheap and dirty too, because I felt so strangely longing for him I wanted to go to his class and find him, and ask him to push me and kick me and touch my sex again. But I didn't have the courage. Every day I felt an aching pain inside my heart wanting to see him, and yet he never showed up. It was like my heart caught on fire and the mere thought of him sent my whole body shaking from excitement, and produce cold sweat. Every night I cried as well, because I missed him. I wanted to see him.  The longing only intensified. The pain was so unbearable. And yet every time I thought of going to his class I became so scared, so much so I would begin to shiver. I could not concentrate in class, and when I do my homework, I could feel even more heartsick. As a result my grades began to decline. I used to be a pretty good student, but I became very distraught and distracted in class. Every night I would imagine him lying next to me, just lying there. The mere thought of him brought warmth to my heart, and yet he was not there.

I could not resist the urge, the desire, and the dying longing, one day I went over to his class and waited for him behind the classroom door.  My hearted pounded loudly.  When the bell rang, I thought about running away and hiding into a hole, I wanted to run away as fast as I could, but it was too late by the time he came out and saw me.  My face was burning with shame.  Our eyes met and he looked at me for about 3 seconds to recognize me.   It was a blank look without any emotion.  I did not sense any emotion in his eyes.  He simply looked at me and then he turned away and walked away.  It was as if he recognized who I was and then decided to not recognize who I was.  He saw me and then he pretended he didn't saw me.  He didn't say anything to me.  He didn't want to hurt me.  I was not attractive enough for him.  He did not want to abuse me because I was not cute enough. 

At the age 18, I went to college in America, starting a new life and forgetting the one in Japan.

My college was located in a very small town in Southern America, and oh where to start: at first the temperature really was too hot. I was worried I might get too much sun and become sun-burnt. There was a lot of culture shocks during my first year. When I ventured out of college, I saw everyone walked around carrying guns. I was so scared. I have never seen a gun in my life before, except in movies and on TV. And everyone was so big. I felt like a little fairy lost in the land of giants. :) And the women are different too. They are all very big too, and they are so aggressive and powerful. They are all very scary. I didn't dare to talk too much. I felt they could crush me simply by standing on top of me. On the other hand, life on campus was incredibly lonely. There was literally no one to talk to. Every day I felt so distressed from studying too. There was so much homework and so much to read! I became introduced to feminism as well. I was told that women were oppressed and women must fight back the oppression. And though at first their solution seemed absurd, they say women should sleep with as many men as men sleep with women. I didn't understand the logic really.  However, I did feel that maybe if I were in America, I should learn how Americans do things.

Starting my second year I just gradually started to become used to the culture, and I began to venture out more often. Everyone became not as scared as I first came here.

One night when I was out with several girlfriends, we met this very tall and muscular American man. I can't really tell how tall he was, if I could guess I guess he is 1.9 meters. He was probably a lot older than me, like maybe over 30 years old. At the time I was only 19 at the time. He offered me and my girlfriends to buy beer, but I told him we were not allowed to drink because we were under 21. He told us that everyone in college drinks, even if you are not over 21. No one really cares, and besides he said he knew the bartenders and the boss working at a local bar and he would let us go inside from the backdoor. It would not be a big deal. We refused to trust me and wanted to walk away, but he kept on following us. He kept on talking as well. He told me I was very pretty; he said he loved tiny asian women. My girlfriends were getting annoyed. They wanted to get in a taxi cab and go home. Before we left he gave us his phone number. And when we got into the taxi we promised each other to throw the number away and no one would call him, but I secretly kept his phone number. There was a bunch of reasons I kept his phone number. No one really ever asked me out in my entire life until now. And I had very little contact with men in general, except my relatives. So I was curious. Also at the time I was very lonely, I wanted to talk to someone, but my English wasn't so good, and everyone seemed so off putting so I can only talk to other Japanese students, but I realize a lot of them are very different from the Japanese in Japan: the way they speak, the way they interact, it's all very different from Japan. In Japan maybe they would be called "half Japanese" as well or maybe even treated as plain foreigners. Most of all I was curious, and wanted to venture out. I also felt maybe it was unsafe. What if he was serial killer? A rapist? But in the end I really just wanted to have fun. After all, I thought this is what feminism is about. So after a few days I called him and asked him if he could pick me up and go to some fun places. And he didn't disappoint at all. He was actually very friendly and very warm. I told him how so many of those students on campus and so snobbish and rarely any one talks to me. I told him so many things, and for the first time I really felt I was so loved. He really did love me. He treated me with so much care. And I felt like a little girl next to a very big man. He introduced me to his drinking bodies and everyone loved me because they say they have never seen a woman so slim and pretty like me. I felt like an extremely rare element being examined by everyone. He drove me to bars, and clubs. I danced and drunk alcohol with him. Before you know it was late at night and he asked me if I wanted to go to his place with him. I understood it probably meant sex, and I hesitated. He very gently said if I don't feel comfortable, I don't have to.  I hesitated and then suddenly he clasped my face toward his and kissed me violently.  I tried to resist at first but then I felt my entire body went limp, I felt like I was frozen in position, my hands couldn't move, and he violently kissed me.  I felt dizzy and almost wanted to pass out.  Then as I sat there, he drove to his home and carried me inside like a hunter carrying a prey.  I was totally under his control.  I tried to resist, but he was so big and so powerful, I didn't dare to.  At the same time inside I was so filled with excitement I couldn't move, I thought my heart was about to jump out of my chest.  I wanted to beg him to be gentle, but I was unable to utter any word.  He stripped off every piece of clothing on my tiny body and lifted my tiny feet up into the air.  My feet, and my legs looked like match sticks in his palm.  I was a puppet, and he was the ringmaster, putting me into any position he wanted to. I was unable to resist.  Then he took off his pants.  I was afraid to look, and slowly I felt a warm sensation down below and my private area was being pryed open and then split apart, an enormous wedge has been pushed between my legs like I was being tortured on a wooden horse.  I screamed and tried to get away, but he grabbed my torso with his huge hands and pushed me toward him.  I thought I was going to die.   The thing was never going to fit.  I let out several screams as pain shot through my body.  My head bounced up and then collapsed into the bed and I passed out.  When I woke up again, I was entirely nude and alone in the bed.  I felt so ashamed, and even more ashamed when I realized I was completely naked.  My body was completely exposed to a man I just met.  My body, my private area, all completely exposed.  And when I raised my head a little bit I saw blood over my legs and on the bedsheet.  He took my virginity.  I lost my virginity just like that.  Inside I felt angry and confused.  I wanted to ask myself if I was raped.  Was it consensual?  I didn't know.  I felt dizzy and yet the mere thought of what happened to me made me feel a raw excitement rushing through my head.  At the same time I realized that I was his now, I belonged to him, and I should be with him forever.  And when he walked over to the bed, he looked at me with a bland look, I forced a tired smile at him.  For the first time I saw his enormous penis.  He stood at the edge of the bed and his enormous penis dangled in front of face.  I felt so powerless in front of it.  It looked so intimidating, so powerful and so dominant.  He pushed it toward my mouth, his manhood touched my lips and sent dolts of eletricity through my body.  I instinctively opened my mouth a little and let my tongue caress its tip.  It felt so smoothing and, so powerful, and so right.  It was what a woman should be doing, pleasing a man, prostrating before him, worshipping his phallus, submitting to his will. 

Later on that night he drove me back to my dorm on campus and dropped me off.  He told me if I ever wanted to get together with him again, I can call him anytime.  I felt a warm and fuzzy feeling inside.  I felt very satisfied, although I did not particularly enjoy having sex with him.  It was not exactly how I particularly fantasized how sex was.  In my imagination sex was more dramatic, more colorful and more exciting.  In particular I thought he was too gentle, he was not the evil villain I had fantasized about. 

I first became introduced to bdsm after I attended a Christian group meeting on my college campus.  A Christian father said women should refrain from sexual immorality and he asked any woman who has ever sinned and made sexual immorality to confess to him.  I became a very devout Christian just a few months ago and at the moment I was so moved by his sermon and I began to cry and sob.  I felt my soul was flying out of my body.  I stood up and tearfully told everyone that I had sex with a man before when I was a sophomore in college, and that I drank alcohol before I was legally allowed.  I asked the Lord for forgiveness and begged the Lord to be merciful.   

I became a very devout Christian and I would pray every day and I would read the Bible also of course.  Every night before I go to bed I would get down on my knees and pray for an hour, confessing every sin I have made in the day, and then I would cry to the Lord asking for forgiveness and ask for mercy so I would not be thrown to Hell.  I read in the Bible that Jobs tore off all his clothes and prayed and David also tore off all his clothes to pray because that was the way he came to life, so I decided to do the same.  But because I had a roommate, it was very difficult to do that, so I used to pray in the shower.  I would pray to the Lord for forgiveness, for mercy and for strength.  I cried a lot too because I felt no matter how hard I tried, I was still unclean, I was still unworthy of the Lord's love.  By my junior year I needed a place to stay because I decided to move off campus to save some money because living on campus was too expensive.  And coincidentally the pastor at the church I goes to can lend me his third floor of his house to me.  And very happily I decided, because I knew both him and his wife very well.  I moved in and every day we would eat dinner together, pray and read the Bible.  It was very good.  I called the pastor my owner or master because he is the owner of the house and the master of a big farm.  His farm has many slaves working too, they are all Blacks and Mexicans and he is the master over all of them.  People always think slavery was abolished in American but in deep south many masters still have slaves.  He called me his Chinese daughter because he thinks I am from China.  Even after I told him I came from Japan out of habit he still calls me his Chinese daughter.  I am okay with that because he thinks he is showing affection for me but I don't feel comfortable calling him daddy.  A lot of people assumes I am from China also and a lot of Americans probably never heard of Japan so I am used to it.  Also to add to the confusion was the fact my last name contains my mother's maiden name, but it is the last part of my name, but when I came to America, my name was inverted, and the last part of my name became the first part of my name, so a  lot of people think I am Chinese, even some Chinese think I am Chinese.  I don't like to argue with people, so I am used to it.  I like calling him my master also because he is my spiritual master.  He teaches me a lot of things from the Bible and helps me becoming a better Christian and also because it's more respectful.

I was in desperate need to be more spiritual, and was very zealous about the Bible.  I tried to refrain from any sexual thought or even any hint of sex, but the burning sensation kept on torturing me from inside.  Everyday I would pray to the Lord to make the sinful lusts go ahead, but in vain.  I thought living with a pastor was a very good thing, because he could control my life and stop me from making sins.  Everyday I was on a very strict diet designed by him to control me from overeating.  I ate only one piece of bread with milk or half a bowl of cereals with a banana and nothing else.  I ate only vegetables for lunch and also very little for dinner.  I was hungry literally everyday, and sometimes I was so hungry when I saw a slice of pizza in the garbage I had a sudden urge to pick it up and eat it.  But thanks to the Lord I refrained my sick urges and remained pure for the Lord.  Sometimes I saw master and mistress indulge in delicious snacks and I feel so terribly want to eat the crumbs falling on the floor, but the family dog was too quick.  I felt lower than a dog because even the dog was fatter than me.  Mistress and master are both very big.  Master is over 6 feet tall and about 200 pounds, while mistress is a little shorter but much larger, probably also about 200 pounds.  Her waist alone is 5 times of mine.

I know I was not worthy to deserve the Lord's love and yet he loves me anyway so I must from that point on refrain from any more sin to deserve the Lord's love.  Every night my master and I and all his family would eat together and then we would pray and read the Bible and discuss the Bible.  I was only allowed very little food because they think I only ate a little, but I was starving all the time, but it was very wonderful.  We share everything together too.  Everyday I help preparing dinner also.  One day I came down late and master became very angry with me.  I felt very humiliated.  Everyone ate and without talking to me.  The entire dinner time no one talked to me.  I felt so awkward.  After everyone left, master told me to come over to the kitchen and he told me his family has rules, and whoever breaks rule must be punished.  I broke the rule of not coming to dinner at the appropriate time to help his wife preparing dinner.  I felt my heart sank.  He said Chinese women do not have any discipline and when they come to American they bring only disease and their laziness along with them.  It is very bad.  He had asked me before if I have ever been given corporal discipline before, and I told him my Japanese father and grandfather administered them to me and my sister.  And he had said that what they did was right because if children are not disciplined they grow up to be criminals.  And apparently they did not do a good enough job disciplining me. He pointed his finger toward the window at the slaves working on his farm and said that if I do not learn proper American manners, I will end up like those slaves working on his field, or worse.   I felt my knees weak and tears started to drop.  I lowered my head and asked for forgiveness.  Master said I am forgiven but master's discipline and rule of the house cannot be broken.  He told me to strip naked and prostrate on the floor of the kitchen with my hands behind my back, and to lift my naked ass to wait for him to administer the punishment.  I cowered a little and was little scared because he is not really my daddy.  He is a foreigner and my initial reaction is I thought he had no right to do that, but then he told me that he know what I did when I was a sophomore in college and he told me I was very disgusting but the Lord is all merciful and he is willing to accept the lowest scums of the earth, including myself.   I realized that he is not the first foreign man to see me naked and I am indeed very disgusting and unworthy of anyone's love.  I realized how low I have sunk and unworthy of love I really was.  I am nothing but a chinese whore and I hated my flesh.  So even though I knew it was degrading I obeyed my master and I told my master that I am indeed unworthy of the Lord's love and therefore I should try even harder to be a good Christian so the Lord can forgive my sins.  I took off all my clothes and kneeled on the floor, my forehead touching the ground and my hands behind my backs.  I felt worthless, I felt disgusting.  I thought I had escaped ever being punished again but here I am, an adult and educated woman, again on the floor completely naked and waiting for master's punishment.  I felt ashamed of myself and I felt I had brought insult on my family.  But on the other hand I must strive to be good.  I am nothing but a chinese prostitute because of what I have done, yet the Lord has accepted me and my Master has accepted me even though I am very disgusting and unclean.  So I must gladly accept master's punishment and be thankful.  Master walked off the kitchen and brought back a whip.  He said for every time I am late, I will be whipped for the number of minutes I was late, I was late to dinner for half an hour, so that means he will administer 30 whips on my bare bottom.  To add insult to injury, master's sons have come with him and to witness my punishment.  I felt even more humiliated, but I did not move at all, because I am a good girl and I will do everything possible to please the Lord and to please my Master so he will know I am worthy to be his fellower.  Because deep down I know what he is doing is good for me.  I am not worthy of his love, yet he loves me anyway, and for this I gave thanks, and I thank him for punishing me and for humiliating me because I am not worthy of the Lord's love.  For the Lord enjoys seeing his fellowers suffer for him, as it is written in the Corinthians.  The Lord want to see his believers beaten and humiliated so they may become strong and their love of God strengthen.  

I tried to prepare myself for the whip, but when it came I was still caught off guard.  The pain was sharp and I felt a urge to scream and my hands almost wanted to cover my bare bottom, but I was a good girl and I strive to be good as the Lord gave me strength so I bite on my lips and sobbed only a little.  I clasped my hands into fists to prepare myself for the second whip, the third whip, ...  Thank the Lord as every whip came I felt I have become stronger and my soul has been cleansed.  I gave thanks to the Lord and to my master for making me suffer.  For it is only through suffering that sinners learn the grace of God.  After being punished I felt very clean.  I felt being subject to corporal punishment gave me a transcendent cleaning of my soul that before I have not been able to feel.  So even though the skin on my back and my bottom was broken, I felt whole and healthful.  After my punishment, tearfully I turned around on the floor and thanked my master and his sons for punishing me.  I bowed my head on the ground before them and my forehead touched the floor they walked on.  I told master I am sincerely happy to be punished and graceful for everything the Lord has done and for all the wonderful miracles he has performed on me.  I am willing to be more careful in the future and to avoid making mistakes again, and if I do, I will be fully willing to be punished again, because the Lord is almighty, all powerful and all knowing.  Praise the Lord for he is the only Lord.  Praise the Lord for he is the king of kings.

Afterward master's wife helped me with anoitment and band aids to cover the wound.  Master's wife is a very powerful woman and very strong.  She is big and she is a lot taller and stronger than my dad.   She is less friendly to me than master because she says Chinese women do nothing but to steal white men and they will do anything to get American green cards.  To mistress all Chinese women are prostitutes and they should all be banished from this great country of America.  I felt very ashamed and promised her that I am striving to be different.  I will try my best to be a good Christian and worthy of the Lord's forgiveness.

The Lord strikes with one hand and heals with another.  I felt nothing but joy basking in the Lord's forgiveness.  After I took a shower and was almost ready for bed, I nimbly walked downstairs to master's study room.  I knocked on the door and saw his gentle smile.  I smiled too and thanked him for his punishment again.  I told him how much I was moved and enthralled by the holy spirit.  He gently nodded and said praise the Lord.  I told him I need to be disciplined more often to become a good Christian and I want to work with him to on my training and make me become a good Christian, so that my old self, my flesh can die and I to regrow into an entirely new person.  Master said that in order to do so, I must confess all my sins every day to the Lord.  So he suggested that every day after school and before I go to bed, I should pray to the Lord and confess everything to the Lord and pray for forgiveness.  And I suggested maybe we could do it together, and so we have fellowship.  He very gently agreed and said that I am becoming a good Christian already.  For the first time in a long time, I went to bed with joy and calmness that I have not experienced in a long time.

From then on every evening I would go down to master's studying room and pray with him together.  Every night I would confess to the Lord every evil thought and every bad thing I did in the entire day.  I always kneel next to master's desk so I can be closer to the Lord and also kneeling made me feel more pious.  Master always sat on the chair and we prayed together.  I would not even hide the tiniest mistake or the most embarrassing peccadillo from the Lord.  I would also confess that I had sexual thought and maybe I saw a boy and I had lust.  I felt very disgusted of myself and tried my best to control my evil lust.

One evening we were studying the Bible and we talked about the old testament.  In a chapter the Lord ordered the Israelites to cut off all the gentile men's penises and then take their women as sex slaves.  I trully felt the Lord's power and became very God-fearing.  Then master said that some times the Lord will execute very horrible things to keep his believers' faith in him because he alone is the almighty.  Whoever disobeys the Lord will be destroyed.  To quote Isaiah, those who disobey God will sit on the walls of their destroyed cities, they will eat their own feces and drink their own urine and cry to their God who have abandoned them.  And then they shall know that He is their God and who they must fear.  Then the master said that because the Jews disbelieved in Jesus, the Lord cast them out of their own land for two thousand years and to this day they do not have peace because they do not believe in the Lord.  He told me horrible stories about Jews being tortured to death and sent en mass to gas chamber to be killed all because they disbelieved in Jesus.  I was horrified and I now know the Lord's potent.  I went to bed in a daze, scared and horrified.  Later that night I had the strangest and scariest dream I ever had.  I dreamed that my master was dispatched by the Lord to torture me.  I was completely naked and hogtied upside down with my hands and feet tied together and my hair hanging down in midair.  Then master came into my view.  He stood right in front of me and he said the Lord has sent him to punish me.  He said because I have sinned against the Lord and as he spoke his hands struck me. I screamed. Then his fingers stuck into my sex.  Then several of master's slaves came over and raped me.  I was covered in semen and piss.  After they were finished with me, I was left hanging like a pig ready to be slaughtered and I was howling like a pig too asking for the Lord's forgiveness, but Master said it was too late.  My sins have ired the Lord's wrath and the Lord will send me to hell for eternity.  They started to set fire to a bundle of sticks right below and was going to burn me alive!  I was scared out of my mind unconsciously urine started to ooze out of me.  Then I woke up and found a puddle of mess between my legs, mixed with urine  and blood.  I felt so sinful I started to cry.  I hated myself for having those sinful thoughts and I hated myself for not being able to control myself.

I came back to Japan during the summer and I promised master and all my Christians brothers and sisters that I will spread the good news to everyone in Japan, and to all my family members so that their soul may be saved and their sins forgiven.  Well,  I came home and found that Christianity isn't very welcome in Japan.  I talked to my father about my new faith and he was furious.  He said he didnot want to hear another word about Christianity again.  Also, I just found out that father had divorced mother.  It was shocking and no one had told me.